Hot twilight sings across a face
lit by less than an emotion
but more, sings cupid to a sun
than many, many, other things
Entirely spent is a well-blown balloon
zeppelins hover : doves can only be lovers
to other doves, he calls up your mother
He calls your mother a lonely whore
Known by God for four-score-and-twenty
he knew God a lot, perhaps some too plenty
too plentiful then to kneel before Gwen
and pray to a God of sand-dusted driftwood
(for that was what she was, back then)
And wish in silence for a different constellation
to whizz in quick, shake a stick at some of the folk
he had always hated
the current stars all too goddamn familiar
looked at him with a million reproachful eyes
Fruitful, all loins
whispered into the joins of some of his limbs
and opened the cracks of his walking sticks
nothing a couple good licks of paint could fail to do
(of course he was coarse, old men are supposed to)
You know I always wanted more
than just a couple of ajar doors
You know the truck just always falls
into the hairiest grassiest rut
and you've seen the fat grey greasy mutt
that guards the door to hell or heaven
I'll meet you for slushies at the seven eleven
Give me an hour, it's just that well
some guy over in a clapboard in Houghton
just snuffed his nose right off some goddamn
mortal, mortal mor- mor- m- m- m- m- (ortal)
c-c-c-c-oil.
A contest entry
- Graceful Tongues by rendezvous.
1500 points, ended July 19, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
There is something of your (at first, seemingly arbitrary) poetic meanderings that I have quite enjoyed reading this thrice through.
The first stanza, "than many, many, other things" really tugged on my admiration for eloquent ambiguity. The next few stanzas played with a strange nostalgia which almost simmered out into mediocrity if it weren't for your spinning burst of completion: my brow crooks in confusion and I grin in a contemporary melange of Shakespearean-street pleasure.
I believe (though cannot be sure) that you've some grammatical errors which slowed down the flow of this piece. However, you've got something brilliant brewing here & I do believe I'll read it once more before judgment day.
Thanks a lot for this piece.
jen
-
-
thanks for the comment... re grammar: anything you could point out?? i am USELESS at pinpointing grammar errors! thanks xxxfff
-
-
"The current stars all to goddamn familiar" where "to" should be "too."
"whispered into the joins of some of his limbs" where, I think, "joins" should be "joints"? However, this could easily be a slip of linguistic playfulness - which I admire.
And, I think that when it comes to punctuation, all or none is the best way to go. Helps the reader adapt to the style & pace of your writing. This is a small consideration, though, and isn't really very detrimental to your piece.
Hope this all helps. We'll be judging tonight, so just hold onto your hat just a bit longer! Thanks.
jen
-
-
Adding your comment:
