crutch
it creeps
like the bottom of the ocean,
this knotting in my chest
that I can't seem
to cough up
despite the fluidity
of my body lately.
honestly if you knew I was dying
would you be quiet
about it?
could we keep it
hidden like scars and screws
and worry about
nothing,
not the sickness
or what time we'd wake up
to sun and skin
and tan lines
in wherever, somewhere beachy
so I could occasionally
bury us
in the sand
to feel so warm.
at death
i'm willing you my eyes
so that you
can still see for me;
we perceive the world the same
anyways
and people around us
are just mechanical,
metallic eyes
staring blankly
at the sky while we radiate.
so press your hands into mine,
let me feel the electricity
of your pulse
through your fingertips,
keep
digging in my pockets
to keep me close.
I can smell ocean from here
and could sit
and stare at it for hours,
letting the tides slip by
and reading each
rise and fall
like they were stories,
teaching me lessons
and you
leaving me
breathless
Author notes
lean on me.
A contest entry
- a bird falls into the sea by hilly.
1000 points, ended July 20, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i'm so behind on commenting your poetry that it's lame.
i loved this,
it reades perfectly aloud,
and i can just imagine the scene really.
the beginning had to be my favourite,
it was just typically you,
the end was lovely because
it just gives you that tingly feeling.
'and people around us
are just mechanical,
metallic eyes
staring blankly'
true that.
i'll get to the rest,
tomorrow.
<33
-
honestly if you knew I was dying
would you be quiet
about it?
could we keep it
hidden like scars and screws
loving it and wanting it too
-
at death
i'm willing you my eyes
so that you
can still see for me;
we percieve the world the same
anyways
i want to have a relationship like that with someone, to relate like that. i love all the trust in this piece. i'm actually envious of it, however pathetic that may be.
a couple technical things though. you misspelled perceive and occasionally.
great piece. THANK YOU so much for entering.
-
This is beautiful. Something about all the shhh noises at the end really make this special. Like, slip, rise, stories, lessons, breathless. I just think they kind fade it out so nicely. Just so hush.
The story of this poem, i think its all just thinking about like, what if i was dying, would you love me more, be with me more? With an ocean as the backdrop to the thoughts. & then you say like, see, if I was dying you would want to be with me so hold me tight. We are precious.
"so press your hands into mine,
let me feel the electricity
of your pulse
through your fingertips,"
I really really loved that image because like i can imagine it and feel it & remember it. Its very real and perfectly written.
"reading each
rise and fall
like they were stories,"
That was sooo creative. Like, I just imagine all these white and blue stripes of water building and dwindling, and you up to your knees hands out eyes closed like feeling the brail embossed on every wave. I am just amaaaazed by it.♥.
I really enjoyed the opening idea. That knot of depression you never seem to spit out. It reminded me of a lot of things. & yeah i know it, that heavy clump that sits there in me dragging me down.
All the beach images were so pretty, especially the one about being buried in the sand? It was happy. Very awesome, your thoughts here are so well shaped and placed and everything just glows. Beautiful!
♥<3peace
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i love your critiques, i really feel like you understand my writing!
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