In the Realm of Nature by Chrysalis at All poetry

Bringing forth all things equidistant
Giving us the natural process of change,
Celestial Earth and miracles it blossoms.

The womb of all things vital
The earthiness of her beauty
Our mother, with her fertility

Fruitful of all other elements
And the heavens divine
Abundance with her life giving spirit

Beauty with every breathe it weaves
Harmony in every ritual of prosperity
We live and celebrate in the very heart of life.

Author notes

Written July 26, 2008
The earth provides us with food that we eat & on its surface we live out our lives. Finally when the time to return to the Goddess and God comes we shall thank them for every bountiful blessing. It is with nature that we become one.
Blessed be!
Chrysalis

A contest entry

The Elements: Round 2 by Ink4Blood. 900 points, ended August 12, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

By me, right now

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Bruce
January 15

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I did feel a sense of oneness with nature in your poem. I think it could be strengthened by adding sensory details - show us the beauties of this pendant world.
Zeprina-Jaz
December 12, 2008
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Soulful and thought-provoking. A beautiful pledge to the Goddess and God. Blessed Be.
PrabhuDayal Khattar
August 9, 2008

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True description of this life and very much touching truth you revealed bringing the message of this great nature..I love it....well done..and my thanks for sharing it with me...
- Chrysalis
  August 10, 2008
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  thanks so much for appreciating this I know it wasn't much.
TyrannyForestFairy
July 14, 2008

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Wonderful composition, utterly. I agree with what you are attempting to convey in this! Beautiful terminlogy used throughout. Great work, keep it up!

~Emily~ xx
Troy31
July 11, 2008
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Sweet
RogueRiverPoet
July 9, 2008

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Not there yet
Hey! I am glad you are opening up to constructive criticism, that is the mark of a true writer. Many people on here live for applause, but reject criticism.

I don't think you should be ashamed of your work, for this forum is exactly for what you are doing: practicing.

If I were to advise you, I would say that I think you have a good idea and theme, but that your message is not being clearly communicated. For one thing, some of the words you are using are not accurately used. Equidistant, for example, means "of the same distance" (equal + distant) and doesn't seem to work where you have it.

Perhaps try this:

Take your best line (I like: "with every breathe it weaves harmony") and start a new poem with it.

Or!

Try putting your poem to a form (an alliteration would be a good choice, as would be a pastoral or villanelle). This will force you to stop and think about how you want to delvier your message more clearly and may ultimately help you construct a stronger poem.

I applaud you not for the poem (which I think is just a draft for you!) but for your williness to accept criticism.

There is an old proverb: the wise man gives his ear to worthy council while the fool scorns the words of his elders.

I would be much abliged if you would give some of my poems your 2 cents... I am not yet satisfied with Grandpere's Cellar or At the Crimson Altar, for example.

Woot!

RRP
- Chrysalis
  July 10, 2008
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  I don't know what to say... but yeah I have to make this more poetic. Thanks so much, I did appriciate your comment very much I'll have to do some reediting before the contest ends. Thanks once again.
  blesssed be
  Blanche
wave picture frame
July 9, 2008

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i always find it interesting to read poems people aren't that proud of. i really like the words in this piece. the large vocabulary used gives a unique feel for sure. a nice message too. i think this is really nice and i'm sure with some little tweaks or whatever you could alter it more to your own liking. keep up the good work! -Jamie