Working To See Is Work Itself yet Worth the Work

It suddenly occured to me
why the hell would I want to get to know someone when I don't even know myself

Earlier age I remember sniggers being triggered upon me and towards my area. At the age of fourteen I got questionned how I were doing by a false friend. I gave my comment of me being lost, she asked what I meant and I said I were lost in the head. From that memory I felt more on my own. To this day I feel the same. So on certain pretty occasions I'll top myself in legal illegal remedies, more of the haven of 'ill.
But, this hell is a heaven
if you think, we make the word 'heave' in heaven. It's these things in life we subscribe to and get nothing in retutn
although do we live by the 'give to receive' chord
that's played and played
and when we feel our life running away and the people who think you have a tricky atmosphere running too, do we run after them and should we play the game of kiss chase or just keep in the game of 'stuck in the mud'?

May be stuck, crooked, a fool but you're not stupid, are you?

If life is an equation, we need symbols. If feelings can't be symbols then we need objects. If we've never met something permanent and 'philosophically argued non material world' then we have a temporary fire burning that will blow out any minute now
but
how soon is now?

If we see an answer shall we pick it up like a lucky penny?
If we are not rich and are working class, shall we live in irony?
But without a shelter breaking sweat over our worry heads where we try looking for answers, reasons, excuses and explanations
we execute mysticism. We avoid the justification of
'just, because, because it just is that way...'

I still feel as if I'm in a grade working in a class with false people but truth is, the more I look at it, the more it adds upto an oddness.
I don't care about graduation from this revolution, I'll keep lost, wandering around in trapped wonders because when I do find something I'll just be like everybody else; retired.