You should not be buried
In the graveyard of desires
I know you’ve broken and bleed
The mates you have let them admire
You are in every chest
Some where sad and some where mad
You get the pain and also the rest
But there are some, you are not cared
By A.Ghani Shahzaib
The poet of hearts and beautiful words
The one who lives in hearts!
Friend for friends
Author notes
very short one.. I was so much sad tht i left this incomplete in my view... i couldn't write anything more ...
third Stanza is not included in poem... you can say it's my logo here.. its not the stanz. i was many of you were confused in it.
A contest entry
- Back to Where I was...... by the tempest.
475 points, ended July 27, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
hummz,, i was just checking the new contest... saw this one exact suitable with my this poem
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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WOW!!!
This is so profound...burried in the graveyard of desires... what does this mean?
Oh... your English isn't bad either -
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there is one my favourite URDU verse...
yeh mera dil hai tamanAo ka mudfun tu nahi
it's my heart not a graveyard of desires..
So i used the same thing here but in my own style..
you know when person wants to have something.but at the same moment some one snatches it from him..he looks at him and tell his heart that he should wait a bit more may be something better is just near.. but the process goes on..and what ever he likes people snatches it from me..a time comes when he can't bear and says that he has also a heart not a gravyard of desires..why should I always put my wishes and desires out of scenario...and others enjoy it -
I shall reply you soon
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Nicely done.
Keeping it short & leaving it open is always a good idea, also risky.
Enjoyed the read.
Do more like this.
. Rewarded 4
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Alaaa.Risky for why
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OOOOOOOOH... its very captivating. it is another awesome poem. i love the part where you said "In the graveyard of desires"... that was really a very emotional point in the poem... keep writing.
. Rewarded 4
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hey i have defined the gravyard of desires you may check it here in the comments
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thanks alot and love for your comments
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I like it
Again do more research on how word an sentences go together.
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Thank you so much Sir!
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I think you're great at using strong words, and thats doubly impressive with English not being your first language. The poem was sad, but amazing. Keep writing, you're doing great. =)
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thanks alot and I'm so happy bcz of your appreciations
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Sad Poem!
An interesting pen!
Well written, nice flow. Should "bleed" be bled?
Regards,
Jrnnifer -
Sad Poem!
An interesting pen!
Well written, nice flow. Should "bleed" be bled?
Regards,
Jrnnifer -
Sad Poem!
An interesting pen!
Well written, nice flow. Should "bleed" be bled?
Regards,
Jrnnifer
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Ohh Thank you so much... and thanks for appreciations
love and regards
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intreeging write i loved it nothing wrong with it another i can relate to thougth so its a great write
. Rewarded 4
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Yuppy ... I'm happy that you liked them... thanks alot for commenting
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very good poem and the only error I found Shannanagan already pointed out. Everyone has times of sadness and I'm kinda glad you could share them with us. Keep penning
♥always Kate
. Rewarded 4
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change bleed to bled, other than that perfect. I liked this, good luck in the contest
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Thank you so much !!!
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You
One must not be buried,
in the graveyard of desires.
Broken you tend to bleed as you see,
the mates you have so admired.
You reside in every chest,
some broken some sad.
Receiving the pain and also rest,
this the life you had.
Choices led by the man within,
not always the best we often sin.
Lashed by our own experiences times of looking back,
a time of self dicipline we all lack.
OK you asked me and I added a littls but as I said before if you feel yours is what you feel is your stile and you like it then change not a thing .I hope you do well with these they so make one stop and think for sure
. Rewarded 8
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ehehe.. pretty .. you use so much time while commenting some one' s poem... tts so nice of you
thanks alottttt -
ehehe.. pretty .. you use so much time while commenting some one' s poem... tts so nice of you
thanks alottttt
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You should not be buried
In the graveyard of desire
I know you’re broken and do bleed
The mates you had let them admire
You are in every heart
Some were sad and some were mad
You get the pain and also the rest
But there are some, you are not cared
This is a help but I can not figure out the last two lines keep doing well
love the rev papa
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I shall tell you atnight
Ohh Thank you so much... and thanks for appreciations
love and regards
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Short but still strong, keep it flowing my friend that is all i can think to say and good luck in the contest.
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Whilst I really do admire the sentiments behind this and feel it has great potential, some of it reads a little jarringly. This maybe connected with the emotions you were feeling about writing it or not, but on a technical level perhaps you may want to address the use of tense in the second line - bled in place of bleed? Line 4 also reads slightly jarringly and the use of mates is relatively colloquial and at odds with the tone which is quite serious. Having been nit picky, I must say the opening lines are really really effective and your metaphor in line 2 'the graveyard of desires' is just great. It really captures a sense of mood and tone, which is why I felt mates was out of place.
Overall I did enjoy this and could relate to the sentiments expressed. Thanks for sharing and I hope you don't feel I've been negative in my comments. Keep up the good work. Cheers
. Rewarded 8
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It's been honor for me,, bcz the more harsh and tough comment it will be, the more chance i will have for improve myself
Thanks alot and loved you comment so much
Ohh Thank you so much... and thanks for appreciations
love and regards
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I love your english XD
Don't worry I like what you're going for, and I love riddles... lemme guess.... HEART. Ohhh I'm so excited.
you get clappingtons.
. Rewarded 4
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Ok, I had to read this a couple of times to get my lens right. Does mate mean a friend or a lover? Personally I could live without the third stanza it seems overly arrogant and overtly grand. Its well written in its own right, and I like lines 8 and 9. It's strength is its unusual syntax, it weakness lies in its choppy transitions and aerrogant ending. Do with this what you will, have a clappy for the trouble.
. Rewarded 8
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lol i wish this was longer! just because its so so pretty! and the fact that it is short it leaves the reader wanting more! ^_^ lovely write...
good luck in your contest...
. Rewarded 4
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It should be "bled," not "bleed."
Personally, I'm not partial to this poem; but I do recgonize that it was well-written. It just doesn't speak to me, and either the imagery goes over my head or there isn't a large amount of it... I can't tell if the last "stanza" is part of the poem or just a sort of footnote, and I would suggest removing the spaces at the top of the poem and putting them at the bottom so it doesn't appear to run into the Author's Notes. The poem in and of itself was well-written, however, I understand how you think this is incomplete, I feel like it's lacking something as well. -
'Some where' would be placed together as one word. Maybe if there were some commas it would make the read smoother, often I got confused. But it is beautifully written. I understand the feeling and emotion in this piece. Though it does seem unfinished..I would like to see more of this.
--Lizz
. Rewarded 6
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Hmmm... This is dificult. I'm new here, and I'm not entirely sure how this works. I don't know how to rate for contests - my account is literally brand new. The only mistake I found was, at the end, did you mean scared? Instead of cared?
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I agree that it doesn't sound complete - I do that a lot, myself, when I'm hurting... The pain makes me loose myself and my thought... There seem to be 1 or 2 grammatical errors, but overall, I really like it. I'd like to see more of this poem...
Good work
JADE RAYNE*
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English is not my first language.. therefore I'm unable to pick out those grammar mitakes., can you help me? and can you put them out.. plzz... Also you will you rate this one for the contest?
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