She sits within the graveyard of hollow disbelief
A bitter pill to swallow that cannot give relief
Dark passion looms above her as silent as the grave
Her soul joins with the lost ones as she becomes their slave.
She lives in non-existance wherein the fires burn cold
A beautiful young woman who's suddenly grown old
A ghost prepared for haunting if she can find her prey
Deserted heart lies dying, a pitiful display.
She sits within the graveyard so lost and all alone
Inhabitants are waiting to take her, skin and bone
They taste her in a moment that is so bitter-sweet
As slowly she surrenders, her suicide complete.
A contest entry
- Bitter Batter, Pitter Patter. come have a look-see! by sailor ptolema.
875 points, ended July 9, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Bronze? No, I would have given it better. I guess I understand it more, being that I know so many of my friends that have been through this, or are dead.
I think this is extremely sad, but we've all felt at one time or another. I really do love your writing, Ros. You have a way of exposing so much in between the lines.
Excellent as always,
Jin
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Cold, dark and whoooooh'...
great take on the prompt Ros, good luck with the contest! Just noticed... congratulations and well done!!
'Deserted heart lies dying, a pitiful display.'
Sol
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Congrats!
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I really, really loved this. The direction you went with this is fantastic. I also really love the rhyme. It's unforced, and subtle, the best kind of rhyming.
I LOVED: "A beautiful young woman who's suddenly grown old">>>this was the strongest line to me. So very powerful
thank you for entering my contest.
and g'luck!
S.P.~
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Now, that is good! You really made the picture come to life and I love the dark, descriptive vocabulary. I wish I could write with that sort of power.
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This is a haunting and bitter poem indeed. I like the approach you have taken. The flow is good. The AABB rhyme is well executed. Nicely done.
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Its very well done. I really enjoyed it and it became all the more meaningful once I saw the prompt. You did an awesome job with this poem.
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taiinfinite
wow congrats do like this take on the prompt, im the same with rhyme dont usually like but changed my mind on this one
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Amazing
Such a wonderful approach in this poem. Flows nicely and ends like the reader may not think. Very creative writing Ros. Don
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Calgon, take me away! Ah, some enjoy a nicely scented hot bath to slowly surrender, others a ghoul infested graveyard! C'est la vie!
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wow thats amazing! i dont usually like rhyming poems but this was done brilliantly, sounded very natural and flowy. the imagery was great, perhaps a tad cliched but still really awesome. great write!
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awesome
wow gwen what a true to life poem,how sad it is when we lose a loved one to death sometimes makes one feel this way very well written good luck in contest
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Wow a deep dark piece, goes so well with the prompt. Superb imagery here, the rhyme and flow are great. All the best in the contest
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