Knacks of glamor cash 'n' sex come lurking
Convicts on the streets at night are working
Bonds of kindred will unite corruption's seed
Ah, police roam fighting burglers that greed
Pimps 'n' boppers; dealers hustle selling weed
But "In God we trust" marks every dollar
Naw! its 'bout the Benjamins they holla'
Circumstance creates moral versus need.
Author notes
Option 2
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 6 The Wall - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended August 1, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ** Deep Options to Meet some Great Poets!** by City-of-Angels.
500 points, ended September 14, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Rhyme & Meter Workshop
This poem has a good deal of power, and a driving beat that's easy to appreciate. The rhyme scheme is interesting for a piece of this sort: aabbbccb.
However, this is the rhyme and meter workshop, and while this poem has a definite rhythm, it does not have a consistent meter. This piece starts out in trochaic pentameter (five metrical feet, with the first syllable stressed and the second unstressed). KNACKS of GLAmor CASH 'n' SEX come LURKing (/ x /x / x / x /x) / CONvicts ON the STREETS at NIGHT are WORKing (/x / x / x / x /x). On the third line, we find an added stressed syllable: BONDS of KINdred WILL uNITE corRUPtion's SEED (/ x /x / x/ x/x /); on the fourth, we end with a little syncopation: AH, poLICE roam FIGHTing BURglars that GREED. This is more of a rap lyric than a poem, per se, because it depends on the spoken word to get the rhythms and stresses into the right places. This could work as pure accentual poetry (that only counts the number of stressed syllables in a line), but you would need to be sure that there are only five stressed words in a line to keep it consistent.
Not that consistency is the only goal: you should feel free to break with a meter, to accelerate the action, or to put the brakes on hard. But it should be something done on purpose, to achieve a particular effect, and not a random, happy accident.
I have to point out that you've used greed as an intransitive verb. While you can use nouns like love and hate as intransitive verbs, greed hasn't made it there, yet. While anyone who reads the line will get what you mean, it still rings false, and likely causes most readers to take a moment, consider what you're trying to say, then continue on, perhaps with a little less respect for your word choice. And it's not fair to say that you're trying to sound "street" in that line, because I don't think you'll find too many gang-bangers hanging out on the corner talking about how "Bonds of kindred will unite corruption's seed." If you want to use colloquial English in your poetry, it's important to maintain that voice throughout, or it will cause the kind of confusion I'm experiencing.
I encourage you to keep working with this form of poetry, find the voice that matches your message, and build your poetry around the sound that creates in your head. You have important ideas to express. Focus first on getting your ideas and imagery into our heads, then find the rhyme and rhythm that make it stronger.
~Epistomolus -
I agree, I like the reference to Benjamin. That's a great point too..almost combines option 2 and 3 together in a way. "In god we trust" is on the american dollar yet, that dollar is the root of corruption in this country. Very ironic. My only critique is the rhymes seem a tad bit forced. Great message though, thanks for entering and good luck!
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Thank you for your comment.
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Thank you for your entry in our contest with this interesting and unusual read, but we fail to see a connection with the prompt 'The Wall'.
All the best ... Sue and Jeff
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Outstanding
I liked how you painted a seedy atmosphere - all the vibrancy of the street but all the negatives, the drug dealers and the thiefs. I thought the rhyme and meter were excellent and you can tell that you have put a lot of thought into this poem. Best of luck in the contest.
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Nicely done. Your voice was good
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Thank you Great poem I loved it, great entry thanks xx
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read the rules. One chance.
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Aha! LOVED the reference to the Benjamins. Classic. This is much better the second time through, and especially now that it's finished. I still say it seems forced, but rhyme usually does for me. I think it's just a personal hang up. Was this created specifically for the Rhyme and Flow Contest, or was it a prewrite that just fit the requirements?
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Rhyme seems a little forced, but it's got a good message. Let me know when it's finished and I'll come back and give you a better comment.
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I will thank you it may take me a while to finish this its been going through my head all day
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