(In the darkness you can hear the whirr of clockwork, can see painted glass eyes open to stare blankly back at you, can touch the cold, unfeeling skin.)
The eyes are the window to the soul
but look in hers and there’s only cold
No warm heart beats again and again -
it’s made of lead but she doesn’t feel the pain
(You kissed her frozen lips but she was never Snow White. She never woke up for she slept too deep.)
She cannot stir; she will not rise.
She professes love but it’s all lies.
The lie’s in her voice as she speaks each word,
for the sound of her clockwork is easily heard.
(If her wings were made of something stronger perhaps she could fly but they were only made of paper and paper burns so bright.)
Wings of longing, craving, desire;
they roved unchecked and burnt in passions fire.
Now she has two skeleton frames
and a memory of life before those flames.
(She lived once - loved once. But she found an easier way.)
She locked her heart and feelings away
let them never see the bright joys of day.
Now she hears her funeral bell toll
but she feels nothing - just a wind-up doll.
Author notes
Prompt: Apathy.
Yeah. A little more metaphorical than I usually write. I really got this idea from a picture one of my friends drew, inspired by the Dresden Dolls’ song “Coin-Operated Boy” where there was this beautiful, but completely blank, wind up fairy-doll inserting a coin in the back of a tin soldier. And it was interesting because when you think of the song it’s implying but the singer is also mechanical and unfeeling. That was really the genesis of this piece.
A contest entry
- 3 MOS. Gold MEMBERSHIP-updated to 600 points! and feature, Prompt: APATHY- Give Dark Writing a Try... by ears2hearyou.
1300 points, ended July 10, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Eightball's great poem gathering. by eightball666.
625 points, ended August 31, 231 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 9 Feelings - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended September 3, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow I really loved this write. The words came at me like waves on the shoreline, back and forth, ebbing and flowing so rhythmic and beautiful. I r eally don't know what I am saying lol. I guess, good job and good luck.
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Really like the mixture of prose and poetry you use to convey the story and the contrast between the living human and the doll herself. Excellent use of imagery and metaphor throughout. Very impressed by the use of rhyme, it doesn't read as being strained, which a lot of rhyme use becomes when not used appropriately.
The final lines are especially effective and the use of the present tense really works. Surprisingly you created a definite sense of empathy for an inanimate object, I really felt for her!
Great intelligent and mature write about a 'different' sort of subject. Thanks for sharing and congratulations on the trophy.
Cheers -
Hi
Loved the structure, imagery, metaphors and most of all the way the story draws you in! The cross over of doll to human and back was fabulous! I found the contrast between the silent thoughts and ratcheting clockwork brilliant too! My fav lines were:
'You kissed her frozen lips but she was never Snow White' Sometimes we want to believe the fantasy we create in our own minds.
Also:
'but they were only made of paper and paper burns so bright' How fragile are our feelings!
Sheer Magic!!
. Rewarded 8
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This is beautifully metaphorical, and the prose is suffused with twilight and rhetorical questions that was extremely enjoyable to read. I liked the rigid rhyme scheme that seemed to blur in and out of the lines of rigidity you yourself set. I also really liked how you used parentheses to convey the deeper story as sort of a header-footer deal. I was a nice length, and held a lot of meaning. I'd really like to see the picture that inspired this poem. This was a great write. ^_^
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Brilliant imagery,nice little tale here.
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SWWWWWWWEEEEEETTTTT
She will not stir, she will not rise, she professes love, but it's all lies. This part is a bit confusing to me. For how can she profess her love if she is dead? Not being rude at all. It's 5:30am, and I have a blinding toothache, so maybe I'm just not awake. Anyway, enough of that! Your penning is truly awesome. I adore the title, and fine tuned concept. A very sad tale. Your artistic ability shines through stunningly in this one!!!! No wonder you took the silver!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER OWN WAY
. Rewarded 8
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she's not meant to be dead. well, not physically dead, just emtionally dead.
hope the toothache goes away
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AMAZING!!
Didn't think someone
Had enough imagery in one poem
about a wind up doll.
This was very good.
YOu expressed the doll so well as if she
really had feelings at one time.
This poem just inspired me so much.
It kind of makes you take a second look
on toys and what the abuse you put your toys through
as a child..lol
Anyway awesome job.
-Mandi
. Rewarded 8
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I adore this poem....
the imagery and power in your words was cleverly done!
Your inspiration really gave breath..and you used it so wisely!
Welcome to the finalist list.
I believe I am going to have to call 911 to Judge
this contest! This is piercing to judge!
ears/Seattle well done! well done!
BRAVO!
p.s. I've never seen this structure before, and I
love it!
way to write!
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