Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

"The Train"

Slowly I walk down those tracks all alone.
Hearing the whistle of a far off train.
That cry of death sends chills into my bones.
Just from that scream I could feel all the pain.

Closing my eyes with a sense of remorse.
Looking back in the past wanting to turn.
Wondering why you had gone down that course.
My one wish is that you would just return.

Seeing the light of an oncoming death.
I close my eyes once more and see you again.
Standing in awe, taking a long, deep breath.
Watching us pass my eyes, turns me insane.

Death passes by, and I learn I was wrong.
I found out together we didn't belong.

Author notes

My name is K.Folfsky for AP but for real life it is Brandon. ^^

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • She Stole My Voice
    July 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Your rhyming scheme is
    ababcdcdefefgg.
    That's an iambic scheme.
    Sweet.
    haha.
    I love iambic rhyming;
    the only kind of rhyming that I like.
    Anyway, my favorite part was the ending.
    "Death passes by, and I learn I was wrong.
    I found out together we didn't belong."
    Fantastic but cliche.
    Thank you for entering.
    ♥


    ~Princess of Shadows~


    • B.m.w
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yes I'm glad you noticed. ^^ I love writing poems in sonnet form and rhyme. Also thank you for the comment.


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This makes me feel sad. It kind of makes me remember something, but only flashes about a trip an old friend of mine and I did down to the shop and someone tried to stop us...

    • B.m.w
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I wrote when I sad and yeah I guess I wrote so people would be able to know how I felt. If you know what I mean.

  • davidbetzer
    July 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Age 16. IQ 100.


    • B.m.w
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      umm...okay...thank you? oh and P.S. I wrote this when I was 14. ^^"

  • Vera Rich
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    In fact, strictly speaking this is not an Elizabethan sonnet - since the Ellizabethan sonneteers used iambic pentameters, and your rhythm tends to the anapaestic.

    Which does not make it any less of a SONNET of course -t the Oxford Book of Sonnets includes many sonnets with non-iambic rhythm... it is simply NOT a strict Elizabethan one.

    Incidentally, I find line 11, where you depart from the basic rhythm of the poem and introduced those three long stressed words "long deep breath", very effective. It takes skill and courage to do this, since there is always the danger that the less perceptive reader (and there are some such around - even in Allpoetry) might criticize it as a fault in the rhythm instead of a deliberate and well chosen method of underscoring the sense.

    • B.m.w
      July 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah most of my sonnets are good with the rhythm I always messed up somewhere and I knew it. I just never felt the need to change it since I didn't want the poem to sound off. I never worry about the kind of poem or quantity of it. I focus all my thoughts in the quality of it. But thank you for you comment which I hope some of the information will help me with future poems. ^^


  • Shifting
    July 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    omigoodness I really loved this poem. You feel the agony of the person, and journey with them as they decide to continue on with life espite what happened.
    I also like that you used an sonnet to do so. Am I correct in thinking that this is Elizabethen??
    Thanks for entering.


    • B.m.w
      July 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I love writing in sonnet forms! And yes it is Elizabethan. Also thank you for the comment. ^^

      • Shifting
        July 16, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        welcome. I though it was Elizabethan. Hey were you the one who gave me the poem about the daisy and then took it off?

        • B.m.w
          July 16, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          "Daisy and the Broken Love" Yes I added that one, but when I added this poem it said that it was replaced because the contest was only accepting one poem from each person.


          • Shifting
            July 16, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            well thats stupid. How do I fix that??


            • B.m.w
              July 16, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              Idk. I've never held a contest before. Maybe you could ask around for an answer.

1 - 14 of 14