Chalky sand granules
performing perfect tango
with whirling wind,
on desert's coveted tunes.
Starting over sand dunes,
dusty pairs
knock on my window,
whistling with delight
for curtaining
all lights around,
but Nova
perfect orange ball,
unabashedly flaunting
its curves.
I stare at
blurry ball,
a delight surging in me
against dismal storm,
for sun seems
to mellow
just to smile at me.
Author notes
Sun's round frame during a dust storm.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Desert vividly depicted here. i like the imagery..we may differ in perception..nicely penned dear sister..hearty kudos to you
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Thank you..perceptions do differ from person to person
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This is vividly expressed.
Wonderful use of poetic devices.
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Thank you so much!
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Well as a desert child myself I can see this picture easily in my mind...beautiful poem sissy...we had a horrible one here yesterday and I can assure you I wasn't seeing the sun!!! love ya...~Trisha
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Glad storm is over....
lots of them!
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I like your addition! And it does seem, to me, in the midst of a dust storm, that the sun framed like it is, is there just to smile for me...lol....I like your ending!
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Thanks...the sun really gets to me during these storms, when you can see it whole, a hovering ball up there..
Thanks for checking out my poem again! -
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It is really an awesome sight - scary, yet.....to stand alone in a world that exists no more, but see that sun still there - awesome.
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Wonderful sight it is for sure..made me smile in the midst of the storm..the storm caged us in the house for almost a week!
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Hello :)
Ditto on what all of your other Judges have said......I think this could have been a tremendous contender for Gold, had you utilized all of your lines and given us something to really dig in to ~
I am fairly disappointed in length....nonetheless.....I shall critique what I have in front of me ~
Both of your stanzas are poorly constructed.....and the 2nd stanza is all one long line....making it difficult for me to enjoy the Flow ~
The Imagery is gorgeous....just not enough of it ~
There is no Power or Impact.....or Lasting Impressionfor me to leave with.....so you might see a hit there on your scores ~
Let's get it to the scoreboard!
God luck & God bless!
Bear ~
Title 9.0....did not get it -
Flow 9.15....long lines destroy Flow.....IMHO -
Depth 8.75....you'll take a hit here for sure.....disapointed in length -
Theme 9.35...nice Theme, just not enough to grab hold of -
Feelings 8.9....not enough for me to dig in to -
Grammar 9.25...very affective....just not enough to paint that picture you were going after -
Presentation 9.25.....long lines are not attractive......to me -
Uncommonness 9.7....I really got into this write....and then you took it away from me!!
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.55....made me ponder, but for only a moment, as there was not to ponder over --
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 92.9
I sure wish I could give more.....but I didn't get much from you to base a great score on :(
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I understood the 'dusty twosomes' as being the sand and the wind - twirling in their tango of nature's fury....some great wording and visuals in this, but I, too, would have loved more to this enjoyable write. I like the images you've used - well done.
The flow wasn't bad, but for me I didn't care for the word 'sand' being used so closely together, and the rhyming just one line apart (tunes, dunes)I thought could have been better spaced for impact....such as:
'whistling with delight,
dusty twosomes
knock on my window,
starting over the sand dunes (or coming from near-by sand dunes)....just a personal thought on that and only my opinion.
I enjoyed this write.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
*Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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I see many of you have been thrown off by the title, allow me to explain a dust storm is just loads of dust particles together, so I was saying dusty twosome, like a dusty pair..I wanted to give the illusion of many such dusty pairs, instead of pair, I used twosomes. Hope this clears it!
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Hello and Welcome Back!
Sand storms against the bright sun….sweet image there…But so many left over lines… left unused, instead of painting that beautiful image. This has so much potential, but the lack of words leaves it falling a bit short in depth and impact for me….With no attached image…your words have to create that image….
….especially for this, where the theme is NOT feelings or emotions, but simply the splendor of a sight. …..Also, I don’t know if I am missing something here…to me the “but” in line 11 is seemingly out of place. I don’t get how it applies…????
One last mention would be of your title being from your most questionable line in the write…again, the meaning behind that Dusty Twosome must be something lost on me as I am not familiar with dust storms….but from your other comments I can see its not just me thrown off by that line…so obviously that hurts the title a bit too.
All in all this is great and the images you do provide are beautiful. Beautiful flow and Effective wording….but I want to see TONS more! Hope to see you back again! Best wishes and Good Luck!
Jamie
~ remember no editing once a judge has touched your work
~ my final score will appear at close
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Thank you for your comment, I have explained the significance of my title to aboomer's review.
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I agree with Neon....you have given
a snapshot...we want the video! lol
TITLE:9
THEME:9.5
THOUGHT:8.9
PRESENTATION:9
FLOW:9
CREATIVITY:9.2
IMAGERY:9.4
IMPACT:9
GRAMMAR:9.4
RULES:10
TOTAL:92.4
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on! -
Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to see you here!
Some nice imagery here, and a good theme.
I personally did not quite understand some of your references...what are dusty twosomes? Never having experienced a dust storm, I can only rely on your
description, and this was a small stumbling block for me.
I would like to see this write develope further. I think you have given only a 'snapshot' view of the power of a dust storm, and I am eager to read more.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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Thank you for your comment, I have explained the significance of my title to aboomer's review.
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Well i do think that this is original. The sun in a dust storm I have never seen a dust storm but have been in many tornados lol probably not the same thing but anywho great write much love
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Thanks CJ..have not seen a tornado, but dust storms and windy and dusty, blurring the sun and you can see it like a ball,which is a rare sight!.
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