the atmosphere changes
when you enter the room
...of my heart
where it
once was cold...
the temperature rises
...warm and inviting
making all that is lovely
feel welcome
...thanks Father
A contest entry
- Challenge #2: a poem in 30 words by Virgoan.
600 points, ended July 31, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Another Beauty!!!!
Mary, you express your feeling in so few words but the impact of those words are tremendous!!!! In readingthis again, I was touched just as deeply by your love for your father God...our father God!!!! I miss you!!!! -
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Oh Toni thank you for this encouragement!!!! I miss you to soooo much!!!!
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awww, so sweet.........
I love this
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I love this
Oh how true your words are I love this very much
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thanks Patty. I'm glad you liked it.
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Just Beautiful!!!!!
Mary..Talk about breath taking...this is awesome...It is so full of grace and elegance...Your love for the father has really shone through in this piece!!! I need to take writing lessons from you!!!! Again Beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!Love, ~~~~Toni~~~~
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thank you precious Toni!
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I like this a lot.
On a personal note, i was a bit distracted by the use of ellipses. Other than that a don't have much of a problem.
I have learned a lot in this site. If I were to edit or revise this piece. This is how it'll be:
Atmosphere changes -
whenever 'you'
enter the room
of my heart.
[Yes,
It was once cold].
Temperature rises,
warm, inviting,
and makes all lovely
welcome,
Father - thank you.
Its just my opinion. I am not perfect with punctuation but I use most of them when I feel the need.
Still, a very personal and moving piece.
nicely done.
Thanks for sharing your gift
HENSLEY
P.S.
I removed the article 'the' because less usage of articles often gives an interjecting effect to the reader.
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thank you for your version of my write. I appreciate your talent and input. it is appreciated very much
SilverButterfly
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Awe.
Such a sweet write.
Sounds like you were longing for your father
though.
All in all nicely done.
-Mandi -
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Mandy what a precious comment from you!! Thank you dear for reading this write. I so so appreciate your time and kindness!!
GBY
SilverButterfly
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Nice poem. If it were me I would get rid of the dot dot dot between "temperature rises" and "warm and inviting" because you alrewady have used some dot dot dots already. But I really like the beginning, how it says "the room ...of my heart". I love those lines it is great imagery. Good job =]
Anonymousxo -
This was something I could relate to. I'll admit (somewhat shame-faced) that I've strayed in recent years. Not into a bad life, just a life in which Jesus and God don't have the place they should. I believe my life is the poorer for it.
This reminded me of how it felt when I first opened myself up and allowed myself to really experience faith and God's love. Thankyou for that :-)
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You sold me on this one! Wow, so convincingly POWERFUL!..I see you sitting there in your room, and in comes Jesus! He is so loving, and kind, and you are enthralled by His presence...It just overwhelms me this poem! Bravo darling!
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Rose, thank you so much for reading it. Can you imagine...Jesus visiting us on a regular basis?? Wow the thought just boggles my mind.
Mary
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Beautiful!
This is such a lovely poem, simple, but well crafted...and what true words! Good Luck with the challenge!
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thank you so much for your very kind comment! I truly appreciate it
GBY
SilverButterfly
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the ending is a surprise. it's a nice poem for your father.
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Thank you for the wonderful copmment! I appreciate it very much
GBY
SilverButterfly
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What a beautiful poem! What a beautiful thought!
I like how you wrote this with the spacing adding emphasis. I like the imagery you invoke, especially the contrast between being "cold" and "warm and inviting".
Well written!
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you're very kind Abigail. thank you so much for reading this one.
Mary
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Our Father
does call us to him. I felt the love from the heavely father in this as I read it. God bless you my friend for sharing this with all of us. I am sorry i haven't read more but it is summer & My Isa is home with me woohoo.
I tlyenjoyed reading every line of this one.
Great job & good luck my friend!
~Ron~
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thank you Ron! long time no see!!! I haven't been back here on Ap very long.{since Christmas I think} I appreciate you reading this write of mine
I will catch up on yours too asap Ron. I always enjoyed your poetry my friend!
SilverButterfly
Mary
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your poem touched my soul more than you can imagine ...
I felt guided to your page this morning in quest for clarification of a present life challenge ...
I have found the answer through your words ...
they are EXACTLY what I needed to hear ...
the pain is starting to dissolve now ...
thank you, precious messenger of His grace ...
maa
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Oh my I am so humbled that this write has blessed you my friend!!! It has served its purpose then. Praise the Lord!!!
I'm thankful that you were blessed in reading it.
GBY
Silverbutterfly
Mary
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