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Savanna

An arid climate-
Antelope dash into sight;
Another food source:

The sun searing down,
Yolk-yellow, gaze unyielding;
Stirs lions to hunt;

Females slink in hope-
Young ones watch, and learn mom's trade;
Antelope know naught.

FLASH! A leap! A bound!
Through the underbrush, fighting
Predator and prey.

Author notes

I don't do haikus much, so I thought I'd give it a try.
Haiku line?

A contest entry

Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • stylization
    July 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I forgot to say...

    OH. I forgot to say:
    Line 1 would make more sense to punctuate it with a dash instead of a comma.
    In Line 2, there shouldn't be a comma after "antelope."
    Line 3 might work better punctuated with a colon, not a semicolon.

    Haiku 2
    I would again suggest punctuating the first line with a dash.
    I don't think that line 2 needs punctuation
    I feel like line 3 should end with a period.

    And then there's just an extra space in between third and the last haikus- I don't know if it was intentional or not.

  • stylization
    July 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great job! I like the way you did this. I do haiku chains too, and I like the way you pulled this together. I would suggest hitting "enter" at the end twice, just to put a space in between the end of the poem and the Author Notes, but that's just a personal opinion. Best of luck in the contest!

  • Evinde
    July 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I liked the idea of this a lot, but there are a few mistakes.

    In the first Haiku stanza line, there are only five syllables in the second line, versus seven. Maybe something like, 'Striped antelope, in sight,' or another describing word; it's really up to you.

    In the second stanza, Sun shouldn't be capitalized.

    In the third stanza, in the second line of this one, 'souls' might be read better as 'ones'- 'Young souls' sounds a little bit cliched, and 'Young ones' fits the setting better. Again in the same line, moms should me mom's. The third line here would sound smoother if Antelope was Antelopes.

    I think the last line was very nicely written with the underbrush fight, though.

    So don't take all this correcting too harshly, just some grammar and a few suggestions for you to take I still loved this idea, though.


    • Beide
      July 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for pointing out the errors! I appreciate the suggestions and the comments you made. :3
1 - 5 of 5