veiled from a world
of constant pain,
I peer through eyes
of green
My heart yearns for peace
as darkness covers
the hues of promise
Reality for me hasbeen
captive in a bottle of hatred
Love screams for devotion
in the depths of many lies
Greed being the culprit
of humanities defeat,
we vanish like vapors
as death seize our loved ones
If only you could descern
my longing for community,
a dimension of euphoria
built upon the foundations
of the heart
Come behind my veil and
witness truth in the
eyes of one who cares
before nature rises
against the children
of disobidence
Author notes
Click on link below for pic of poem inspiration
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2412297
A contest entry
- The Eyes Have It by breedluv.
1300 points, ended July 10, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
This poem has real promise. There's some good thoughts and some outstanding verse in it. It feels a little.....disjointed. As a suggestion only, you might consider reordering and consolidation of some of your stanzas to give it a better flow. Some of the stanzas have similar themes....maybe group them together. Oh, and use spellcheck. This is not a overall criticism of your poem, it is indeed a fine piece of work, and others may disagree with what I have said. I just think you could turn what I consider to be a good poem into what I would consider to be a great one. But, to each their own.
Russell -
This is a very lovely poem. I almost feel bad about the satire that I wrote. I saw you had this one up for comment and, without reading I wrote a haiku parody based on the title.
I don't intend to belittle your work. I just used the title for inspiration and wrote Eyes of a Peel. Your poem is actually very nice.
-
Amazing!
If I havent seen the poem I would of completely related to it! I feel the same way about nature, and Im feeling kinda down right now... oh right I have green eyes as well.
Great poem, truly love it
-
Fantastic
a great poem all the way around.
great form - like the centering idea. - it fits this poem.
the background definitely fits.
My favorite parts were:
veiled from a world
of constant pain,
---
Reality for me hasbeen
captive in a bottle of hatred
---
Greed being the culprit
of humanities defeat,
---
before nature rises
against the children
of disobidence -
A deep piece!
Images upon images, flowing from your pen to create a well written piece!
Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
Degraw
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
