derailed
chasing lost order
he traces boundaries of pi
and trips on cracks
and tries to catch up
acceleration loosens logic
launching tangents
each fixed on a course
gravity cannot restrain
as evening progresses
in discombobulated thought
words tumble down the page
like circus madmen
Author notes
(about recovery from severe depression after injury disrupts a life)
A contest entry
- Orange. by Naridill.
3900 points, ended July 14, 2008, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love constructive criticism
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Great poem
I am impressed with the way you describe what really is a derailment. I think the title could not have been better. Anyone who has ever suffered from depression could, I think, easily recognize their struggle here. You are truly a word-crafter. -
For me, this is a tight, taught reflection on the 'running away' of life and identity. I like to look at how a poem makes me feel. I read it aloud to myself, letting my tongue trip and slide over the words. I don't care to pick holes in something that is as inspired as this piece. I just want to wallow in your word usage (pi, trips on cracks, launching tangents) and the last verse is simply brilliant. Your message is clear and precise. I cannot fault this wonderful write. This is GOOD poetry, and deserves more than an HM.
peace
~ crisstiena ♦
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Confusing times may yield good poetry.
Such is the case in this poem. I like the geometric expression of balance in your life before it was
up-ended which lead to depression. An excellent metaphor of the construction of a life one believes to be stable. I disagree with Naridell's opinion. I think the whole ending stanza, braking as it does from the precise metaphor to an evocative and imaginative stream of consciousness simile, represents well the unsought, disturbing, and overwhelming change of perspective one must deal with when depressed. Such a bummer. Love that "words tumble down the the page like circus mad men. Don't they just. Especially when one reads them after returning to one's former state of mind. WOW! Your poetically expressed, authentic response to life's events is what makes you one of my favorite poets. However, you seem to have trouble with titles. I would suggest something more in-tune with miscalculation rather than derailed which contextually brings to mind a train when the rest of the poem seems to me to represent a mathematical proposition, excepting the last stanza. Could be wrong.Return the favor?
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derailed what a great word to discribe depression when your un hinged and trying your best to keep your head a float when all you want to do is go under until you hear that voice from nowhere saying you can make it move yourself want it and you life is important just believe in yourself and trust your own instinks
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This is very well written. I can fully understand this poem. Depression is not good for anyone. Very emotional and lovely. Congrats on the HM
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thanks
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Well done! Reminds me of sci-fi and made me smile in admiration. Love every line and thought. Sincerely.
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Although the tone and word usage was firm and worked well, I think the ending took a lot away from the capability of this piece. The unnecessity within the ending of the lines was just poorly used.
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Thanks for the critique.
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Excellent
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Good one!
Nicely done James! Liked the expression put into this. Emotional too. I think this is one of your best to date. THANKS! Pat Powers
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thanks Pat
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Anytime.
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