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I tried






I tried to translate

the 'man' in romance -

 

   Like a mandolin

   murmuring music

   into metaphoric moments,

      I wrote you ardor

      in awkward alliterations

      and altered

         (with maybe a bit of arrogance)

      your nocturnal noise

      into nouns.

 

I tried,

though your effortless eyes

got tired.

 

That day,

your tongue shoved a gun

down my mouth

and my voice grew silent.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

pff

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • starving4perfection
    January 31

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    Omggg woahh! That was just...wow! That is a truely amazing write there. No lie!! thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck!


  • LdyBrknWing gold member
    January 12

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    I've been away from the site for awhile, leander, and I come back to find some really heavy duty poetry; this one simply blew me away! (Pardon the pun.) I see that this one took gold, and I certainly see why. As I recall from before, you were quite a talented poet, but this piece proves that you are growing, and changing in your form and style. (Which is a good thing.) I thought I was impressed before with your work; I'm now MAJOR impessed! Fabulous write!

    Paula


  • Swan song gold member
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was a true joy to read


  • ArmyBrat17
    December 9, 2008

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    Leander I have read alot of your poems and I fell in love with them you are such a great writer and I enjoy every one of your poems. Great job thank you for putting these up for us to read they are amazing keep it up


  • catz Moderators member
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I haven't read a lot of your poetry, Leander but what I have read, I've found to be outstanding and this one is no exception to that. You have an amazing way with words and with projecting the emotion which makes for good poetry.

    This poem is a sort of heartbreaker, the disappointment and frustration of love gone sour. A good piece, my friend and very deserving of its Gold trophy


    Dee


  • Beauty Of Silence
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow!

    this poem blew me away! it was such a heart-breaking write that was written beautifully! your words were very touching, and meant so much! a deep, intense write! keep penning!

  • Virgoan
    August 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like it when a piece draws my attention and leaves me in awe. This is one of those piece. I am a fan of short poems and I must say that this one is worth the read - every line, every imagery.

    Sir, you are a good poet. Stir the traces of sadness from time to time. AP is here to comfort you


    Thanks again for sharing your gift.


    HENSLEY


  • sidewinder silver member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    tears rise within that notion of romance where in reality...
    one didn't care...
    leaving a heart shattered...
    leaving one picking themselves from the dirt and dusting themselves off only to try at life again.



    yea I hear you clearly!
    Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
    Bill


  • Hannahs Mom
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    As far as I"M concerned..

    there's nothing more romantic than a loyal partner. Which tells you he didn't know squat about romance. He is the anti-romantic,in fact.


    With that rant out of the way;let me just say I loved this write. Like the others,I was amazed by the uniqueness of the '"man" in romance' phrase and the last stanza as well.

    Take Care


  • stasis
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow...
    The emotion and heartbreak in this piece is tangible and thick. I'm so sorry that this happened, but you portrayed it with such elegance and beauty that I can't not admire the piece. Excellent write!


  • Age of Rain
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What wonderful alliteration stanza two! As well as the simile. Gorgeous imagery throughout to end with a bang. Pun intended. This was both heart wrenching and beautifully done!


  • ladylyric
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The "man" in romance...how clever. I loved that last stanza.
    That day,
    Your tongue shoved a gun
    down my mouth
    and my voice grew silent.

    That made a lot of sense to me. I know your sad, but it's a beautiful sadness. Think of it this way, in order to feel this sad now... you had to be incredibly happy at one time...these emotions make us who we are, they make us human..and you my friend, wrote it well.
    Lots of love to you Shannon Rose *rose


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OMG.. Mammy.. this is just..
    Wow. I mean what more do you write when the vivid imagery spits in your face?

    I love you


  • Canto-Brasileiro
    July 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    One of your best!
    Heartbreaks create beautiful poetry...like this one


  • Cat gold member
    July 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    so sad...


  • Norman Crabtree
    July 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    bang

    here come the clouds???


    the bit in the middle reminds me of a bit of schizophrenic rant in the middle of a raging arguement between lovers,

    i thought this was really well pulled off


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    July 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That must have been quite a lashing. Heartbreaking write, beautifully done.

    ♥
    whisper


  • aanika
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow.
    THANK YOU.
    this is what i was looking for.
    i love your use of alliteration in the first stanza.
    and the ending was extremely well done.
    thank you. again.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'the man in romance' is excellent! i have to write that down for inspiration. very clever
    you ended with a bang. what a way to show an ending
    and you got the snoring in too
    i'm saving this one
    hope you are doing okay


  • righteousme
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    lovely... sad... heartbreakingly real... your piece makes me sad for you, for me and for anyone else going through a split... my wife and i are no longer together... the sadness strangles out everything else... feel better...


  • Nicolette gold member
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "I tried to translate
    the 'man' in romance -"

    I've tried to do that too - without success. Guess it doesn't matter who or what we are ...the man holding the gun always wins. A sad one this, my friend; one i understand so very well and one i'm so sorry you got to know too. Still, it's a great poem and it made me feel...I guess the only consolation is in these words: "i tried"...



    ~ Nicolette

1 - 21 of 21