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Locked Dreams

Memories dangle on selective strings,
echoes rebound in silent rings.
Throughout time, skies unfold,
changing casts within set molds.

Parents sing in a child's voice,
growing old without a choice.
Devoted duties, a sculptured art,
heavily bleeds upon painted hearts.

Destiny blinks, blowing years away,
amber strands weigh more each day.
Dreams locked behind gilded gates,

bound tightly by lost hands of fate.

 

Concealed keys tear at smiles,

puddles ripple with daily trials.

Persistently teasing silken cotton,

while living a life almost forgotten.

Author notes

POW
Theme: role reversal, when the child becomes the parent for what ever reason. These children rarely get to live a full life and are so often forgotten about.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • Fritz O skennick silver member
    August 18

    Edit | Reply

    Wow, Beautifully penned...

    Heartfelt, honest & brought a lump to my throat...
    Wonderful descriptions & use of metaphor...
    And of course, great rhyme scheme...
    Absolutely stunning...
    Well done!!!


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Oh WOW!!! This is awesome hunny!! And I can absolutely relate to the subject matter, of having to grow up too fast and take over some of the parenting duties! This really touched my heart and you have penned it with such depth and emotion!!

    Congrats on the silver... soooo deserved!!



  • HiddenByTheDark
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    I really like it. And I believe even if you don't have a child you can sometimes become the parent of another kid like a brother or sister because your real parents aren't around.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on silver

  • Disturbed Prodigy
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    oh and there is this


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    i am typing this with one hand, so that the other can pick up my jaw, this was an amazing read, keep it flowing and congrads on the contest.

  • Arkbear gold member
    July 6
    Edit | Reply

    Really, a grreat entry this week :)

     

    I knew it was going to score highly ~

     

    Always a pleasure to see your entries ~

     

    Love the insight of your Theme ~

     

    Congrats!

    It needs some little yellow guys,

     

    God bless,

     

    Bear ~


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Pink :)

    Comma after *strings*

    Comma after *time*

    I am trying to get you to slooooow down....as your Tone has already been set in just a few words.....so now let us partake of them...ok?

    Devoted duties....COMMA

    guilded gates....COMMA

    bound so tight by lost fate......you have just lost that beautiful meter....try this...>>>>

    *bound so tightly, harnessed by lost fate*

    *concealed keys undress smiles.....there are 5 *s* sounds..and your meter is lacking again..........I suggest an edit after contest ~

    living a life....COMMA

    OK....besides appearing to be a quicker read than intended....I believe after you do some quick simple editing, this is going to be one of my favorites writes by you in a long time ~

     

    Lovely rhyme scheme ~

    .....and right now, it is top 2 or 3 for the POW....IMHO ~

    Nothing more here to critique....you did a fabulous job :)

    Good luck & God bless you!

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.85...I would click on this because of your Title -.

    Flow   9.85...just a tad off on meter...already discussed -

    Depth   9.9....For such a short write..nice!...9 more lines were available though :)

    Theme   10...perfection -

    Feelings   9.85....your grammatical choices touched me -

    Grammar   9.9...very affective -

    Presentation 9.9....simple quatrains....yet pleasing -

    Uncommonness  10....I really got into this write -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.95....made me sit & pnder....for sure -

    Ability to follow Rules  10...perfect from what I can see -

    Bears Score:  99.2

    Nice!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~

     

     


    • LadyDementia gold member
      July 7
      Edit | Reply
      Wow thanks for such a great score! I have corrected the forgotten commas, grammar has never been my strong point..lol. I've also altered the lines *concealed keys undress smiles.* & *bound so tight by lost fate* Back to what they were originally, as one had a forbidden word in it. Thanks again for such a great score.

  • aboomer silver member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    A theme I've not seen much of - done this well anyways!
    I liked your title, your flow was nice, your wording well done, you followed the rules nicely - a strong entry....and an enjoyable read.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
    **Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.

  • jamiedoring gold member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hello and Welcome Back!

    Memories dangle on selective strings
    echoes rebound in silent rings…

    THAT’S the kind of start to a poem I like …..Definitely makes me want to hear more of what you have to say….This is full of rich beautiful lines….I have to admit though, the silken cotton line is totally lost on me…Its probably just me, lol.

    But the rest if it is strong, well written and just image packed…..Your theme…..I LOVE IT. This is beautiful all the way around for me…you did great with the rules and your flow, rhyme, and impact is superb. GREAT job!

    Best Wishes and Good luck!


    Jamie

    ~ remember no editing once a judge has touched your work
    ~ my final score will appear at close


    • LadyDementia gold member
      July 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, I went for something a little different to my morn this time...seems to have paid off I always find the PO's hit and miss when it comes to themes etc. Pleased you enjoyed it

  • islekine
    July 6

    Edit | Reply

    I agree with Neon...this is beautiful.

    Good to see you again! And your wonderful poetry...
    I am making short comments....more judges to come...
    Best wishes in the contest....hope to see you next week!
    My scorecard for this week:
    TITLE: 9
    THEME:9.3
    THOUGHT:9
    PRESENTATION:9.3
    FLOW:9.4
    CREATIVITY:9.3
    IMAGERY:9
    IMPACT:9
    GRAMMAR:9
    RULES:10

    TOTAL: 92.3
    REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry!

  • NeonRose silver member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, and welcome to the POW. Good to see you here!

    A fantastic job! I love this write, and the theme is definitely new to me.
    You have used language to great advantage here, some really lovely lines in this poem. The rhyme scheme is great, and the flow is smooth and consistant.

    I think you need a comma after 'strings'..L1,
    and 'gates'...L11.

    One of my top two so far. I really am impressed with this one, LadyD.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.

    • LadyDementia gold member
      July 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the great comment, pleased you liked it. I've added the commas, it was missing a few. Grammar was never my strong point...think I was absent from school that day Hopefully see you next time

  • PastelMoons gold member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    I swear this will bring
    a tear to my eye everytime
    I read it.
    ( you evil tear maker)
    Good luck
    It's awesome hun
    ~Pastel


  • Lost Vampyre Angel Greeters member
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    this is a beautiful poem, the rhyme is perfect,
    i cant see why you didnt place but this is lovely,
    all my love,
    kitty xxx
  • x-Black-Butterfly-x silver member
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    i love the lines within this and it did remind me of the movie freaky friday as well. it is cleverly put together. well done grandma

  • Gwenevere
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    I love the line "destiny blinks, blowing years away".It certainly does and you are so right , these children lose so much that is special in childhood, Ros

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    I like this it reminds me of the movie Freaky Friday.. Have you seen it I do not remember who was in it but it was a good movie anyway good piece goodluck in the contest much love

  • Livingemptyspaces
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    Ah. You're finally done. I've been itching to comment since I read the first three stanzas you had up.

    art and hearts isn't a spot on rhyme.
    fate and gates. same thing.

    But other than that.. Hmm

    Puddles doesn't need to be capitalized.

    and I don't notice any filler words.

    So great job. I like your theme and the way you portrayed it.

    -Les
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