Nobody knows how I feel
Nobody knows im ill
If they could only see
Who my heart wants to be
Maybe they'll open there eyes one day
Then what will I say
Mama will yell
daddy won't care
If im here or there
grandma will say
Don't make her same mistake
who can i run to
who can i call
Who will catch me when i fall
Nobody I say
Nobody will save my day
But every body will yell
There's nobody i can tell
Help i yell
Does anybody hear my call
Im about to fall
Nevermind let me go
you were going to say so
anyway
so let me say it
Have you fallen and can't get up
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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this hits hard real hard which i like^^ i can relate full heartly allways left on the back burner for yelling
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Think we've all been in similar situations and can relate to the seemingly horrendous misery of some aspects of adolescent. Whilst I agree with some of the earlier comments regarding the simplicity and vague nature of what exactly the poetic voice is unhappy with, this is definitely a promising write. Yes, some of the end lines do seem forced (I can't write rhyme for the life of me so stick to free verse) but I feel the relatively simple lexical choices do capture a voice. On a nit picky level there are some grammar errors - Line 2 should be I'm - L5 should be their -L9 same as L2- 12/13/14/18/19 need capitial I -L21 as L2. Keep reading as much decent stuff as you can and you'll only improve by pracice. Hope these comments are taken as intended - constructive and encouraging - keep writing, it's the best.
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Fantastic
I love this piece. I can also relate to the angst in this piece. It brought my youth with my parents rushing back to the forefront. Nobody I say
Nobody will save my day
But every body will yell
There's nobody i can tell
Help i yell
Does anybody hear my call
Im about to fall
Nevermind let me go
you were going to say so
anyway
so let me say it
I love these lines the best althought the whole poem rang words of truth throughout my heart. You captured a very true part of life. thank you for sharing this with all of us.
~mandie~
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I agree that it seems sing songy and fairly Seussish but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. A simple concise vocabulary and simple rhyme scheme can be a good thing. However, that said this poem does need work. This last stanza doesn't fit the rest of the poem, it is choppier and needs rethinking but it does have good elements. For example when you reverse yourself and the hopeless acceptance of the inevitable both very strong. As for the rest of the poem pay close attention to the rhythm read it out loud several times and see how you like it. You will find things that you didn't know were issues when you were reading it in your head. Overall I enjoyed it very much and think you have a talent for telling simple truths in an elegant way. Just keep working.
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OK, first I LOVE to encourage young writers to keep writing always. But this simplistic rhyme scheme and telling lines has got that "Dr. Seuss" sing-song pattern to it. Pay way less attention to end rhymes, don't force each line to rhyme with single syllable words, and get specific about what's eating you here. "nobody knows how I feel" is your first line. And by the end of this poem, the reader still doesn't know how you feel about anything specific, just that you're miserable. Why? About what? Show me it's something more than typical teenage angst. This is a common flaw with young people's verse. Hang in there and keep writing, more importantly keep reading quality poetry. Take a look at the published work of Mattie Stepanek, young boy poet and peacemaker who published successfully before he died. Write on.
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Actually i don't see any mistakes.
This makes me sad though.
Like you need a friend to talk to .
I think this was a good a good poem alot of emotion here.
-Mandi
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I will listen if you need a friend. The powerful emotion in this really makes me feel for you. I was never really close to any of my family. The is a very nice heartfelt poem.
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