Picturesque porcelain
shattered against aged cedar,
reflects opaqueness.
Hand-painted teapot,
barely catching yesterday's dawn,
raises its fractured lid.
Sunbeams spilling through
broken windows,
kiss gently on transparency;
only happiness prevents
scented jasmine from leaking further.
Author notes
Theme: Still Life, Teapot
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Positive: did an excellent job expressing the prompt. also had really great word choice.
Fav Lines:
Picturesque porcelain
just awesome wording really loved it.
Negatives: nothing (but please look at the suggestion)
Suggestions: space it out, it will read a bit better so like lines 1 - 3 together then 4 - 6 and finally 7 - 11.
thanks for entering -
Aww..this is really beautiful dear...you have painted another wonderful imagery here..
All the best in the contest!
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excuse my uncouth language...
but i [fucking] love this.
=] -
This is very well written and presents the reader with an intriguing scene to ponder. I feel like a detective who has entered the "scene of the crime" and is puzzling together the clues...the shattered teapot, the broken window. Very creative. Thank you for your entry.
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I knew this would was good....just didn't know where it was going to place *winks*
Nice to see you again,
....here's your little yellow guys..hehe ~
Bear ~
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Had messed up with score.....so sorry!
Hello ~
I have to agree with your other Judges......especially when it comes to repeating such powerful words, as *fractured and yesterdays*
I want to go forward in thought....not backwards :)
I *saw* quite a bit in this very short write, but was not *told* much ~
Yes, you did sum it all up quite nicely, but with 14 other lines to utilize, this could have been a show-topper ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.3....too confusing.....for me -
Flow 9.1....lonnnng lines took my breath away -
Depth 9.3...not bad....butwhen we don't understand your Theme as well as you do, it is difficult to grasp all of your thopughts -
Theme 10...perfection -
Feelings 8.85....lacking in this department -
Grammar 9.9...very affective -
Presentation 9.1...your stanzas are not executed very well -
Uncommonness 10....I really enjoyed this....freshness to my pallette of thought -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95....made me sit & pnder....for sure -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -Bears Score: 95.5
This is a tough Theme to write about....it is geared toward a certain genre of folk -
Nice job though! -
Lovely write! Short, but paints a beautiful picture of 'still life'.....great title, great wording. I think maybe substituting the word 'fissured' lid (or 'cracked'..'splintered') might give more imagery to that line.
Most enjoyable read!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
**Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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Hello and Welcome to the POW contest.
First off, by FAR best title (in my opinion, of course!) …..Just a perfect title with such a beautiful image within 3 words…excellent!
I totally agree with the other judges about your rich imagery……you simply paint this still life with words….effective words. Each word bearing so much weight and strength….that the repeating of ‘fractured’ jumps right out….I know Neon has mentioned this but it really does jump out….especially in such a short write where all the words have much value.
I do wish you took the available lines left to you and gave this a little more Life….however the shortness does seem to go with the subtle simplicity of the charm of a still life. …..But still, the beautiful imagery you shared in what you already gave….definitely makes me want for more of it….seems like imagery is something you do quite well….so more! please! lol …..All in all a great write and besides more lines and the repeated word, you sure didn’t leave room for many suggestions. Great job! Best wishes and good luck!! Hope to see your talent back again.
Jamie
~ remember no editing once a judge has touched your work
~ my final score will appear at close
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Aloha and Welcome to PO!
First let me say, this is wonderful...I agree with Neon...your imagery is wonderful...I saw the picture perfectly....For PO we give you 25 lines...and usually expect a bit more than you have given us, however this is a very great short write (it's the way I write too)
There are more judges...and comments on the way...
Best wishes in the contest....hope to see you and your talents again next week!
Here is my scorecard:
TITLE:9
THEME:9
THOUGHT:8
PRESENTATION:9
FLOW:9
CREATIVITY:8.9
IMAGERY:9.5
IMPACT:8
GRAMMAR:8.9
RULES:10
TOTAL:90.3
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has comment on your entry!!!!
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Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to see you here!
Immediately, I commend you for attempting to make me 'see' this still life without actually seeing it. I think you have accomplished that. Some strong imagery present here.
I have a slight problem with some repetitive words. 'yesterday's' and 'fractured' are used twice in this relatively short write. I would suggest that, after the contest is over, you try to find a substitute for these, especially 'fractured'.
As for the 'yesterday'.. "barely catching a fleeing dawn", might serve.
I think in line six, 'rises' should be 'raises'.
So far, this is my favorite write for this contest. Your choice of title is the most impressive I've seen so far. This write is compact, precise, says a lot in a few words, and..as stated above..you have made me 'see' exactly what you wished me to see.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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This is an interesting poem I have not seen it used before the way that it is formed though makes it keep running maybe youy could break it down into stanzas
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Love the imagery, so beautifully put. Can say I've not seen this theme before, I do like this poem, especially the last line. Good luck in the contest
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On the rules side- you did well. I didn't see any filler words.. Did well with the title.
Theme. I dunno how unique it is. I know I've never seen one with this theme.
But for some reason. I don't like this poem. Maybe I'm just not awake enough to appreciate it..
-Les -
I really, really like this poem.you have created a work of art So much imagery in there.A very worthy entry.Simply beautiful.Well done, Ros
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