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An Intersection With Memories



Black tea brewed against dawn,
and I knew colours would be compressed,
lying like curs
before slipping to subfusc.

There was a symphony to this pane,
metronomic torture
of an empty space, just waiting,

and maybe
isometric thoughts would widen,
allowing a second to slip through;
pause the pressure,
before bitterness was swallowed.


Author notes

3. Black tea brewed against dawn...

A contest entry

Critique Requested

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • BearWoman gold member
    April 6

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    Dark and foreboding

    This feels dark and foreboding. There is some very vivid imagery here.

    This gives me a sense of impending negative tension and betrayal: "I knew colours would be compressed, / lying like curs"

    I like the alliteration of metronomic and isometric. I wonder on isometric, though. Iso=same, metric=measure; how would something of a set measure "widen, / allowing a second to slip through;"? This provokes pondering.

    I might change "was" to "is" in the final line, to force it into present tense, confronting the reader more directly.

    Nice write! Thank you for entering it.


    • Fug-azi
      April 7

      Edit | Reply
      " I wonder on isometric, though. Iso=same, metric=measure; how would something of a set measure "widen, / allowing a second to slip through;"? This provokes pondering."

      I knew the 'set measure' of isometric, hence the first line being "and maybe", gives it a little doubt


      • BearWoman gold member
        April 7
        Edit | Reply
        Yes, I had not meant for you to change that part. As long as it was used consciously/intentionally (and I certainly hoped it had been), it was a very clever way to introduce that doubt and pondering. It definitely made me stop to think; therefore engaging me as a reader even that much more strongly. I like!


  • Dalaney gold member
    July 7, 2008
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    Fug...this is an attention grabber and a nice little zing of poetry. I like it. Love, Lane


  • poet2angels gold member
    July 5, 2008

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    You will always amazes me, Bro
    You know I adore your poetry...This rocks

    Lynda


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    July 5, 2008

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    wow uncle you are one of many inspirations within this site and the words that you have used have such strong imagery within them. wonderfully written. welll done


  • Never Fall in Love
    July 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    damn, this is good.

1 - 7 of 7