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My Father - a Rictameter Swirl

Missing image

 

 

father~


of all things good
creating light and dark
separating fair from evil
imparting conscience values lasting peace
I sing praises to Your glory
I long for You always
during dark times


because


You cause my heart
to blossom and rejoice
forsaking petty selfishness
basking through golden sunlight of spirit
relishing such a soaring love
heaven held within me
here on this earth


You are


vital Life Source
to me today always
I exist to sing Your praises
without Your presence here, I am nothing
an orphan without a daddy
a whisper never heard
alone seeking


~Father

 

 

Author notes

This is a Rictameter Swirl written for Arkbear's Moment of Truth Contest - 3rd round. I do not know who originally created this form.

A Rictameter Swirl is-

Syllable count:

2 4 6 8 10 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 10 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 10 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 10 8 6 4 2

Rictameter is a scheme similar to Cinquain. Starting your first line with a two syllable word, you then consecutively increase the number of syllables per line by two. i.e. 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 Then down again, 8, 6, 4, 2 Making the final line the same two syllable word you began with.
When creating a Swirl, you lose one of the ( 2 ) syllable lines between each Swirl ~

My intent was to write a senryu inside the rictameter swirl thus explaining why I italicized the two syllable lines and added the spacing...

graphic taken from http://oneyearbibleimages.com/child_of_god.jpg

In a list

A contest entry

...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • wildflower. gold member
    July 29, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    The only thing that bugs me about this piece is alot of it just feels like a check list of what you want to say instead of a fluid story.
    Otherwise, I think this piece is absolutely marvelous. There is a lot of truth and beauty written. Marvelous job!
    Bravo


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    July 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can't believe I didn't comment on this before, I think I became distracted which I easily am, with the 'preserve life' contest and judging my own. Please forgive my slow response...

    Now here I see that your form is perfect.
    Not only that but your praise for the qualities of the Real are seen here as answer to every lack and true substance to fill all voids.

    'without Your presence here, I am nothing'

    Yes, and so we are our own proof of His presence.

    Congratulations on the trophy and I see that it was so well deserved!

    Sol


  • islekine
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful write Joanne!

    And wonderful job on the form....deserving of the Gold!
    Best wishes in the next round...
    and in life....enjoy...be well happy and blessed!
    (I know you are)
    Will continue to follow the contest!
    Write on!
    Pray for on earth.


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello ~

     

    First impression...........aesthetics are......different.........different, but nice, as you used you poetic license toplace your own touch in the mix of form ~

     

    You did not CAP the very first word of your Ric Swirl ~

     

    As far as your write.....best so far....there is nothing to critique here ~

     

    I found beauty and love in each line.....each Swirl is full of powerful emotions......these are the lines which made me fall in love with this write..>>>>>>

     

    You cause my heart
    to blossom and rejoice
    forsaking petty selfishness
    basking through golden sunlight of spirit
    relishing such a soaring love
    heaven held within me
    here on this earth


    You are
    vital Life Source
    to me today always
    I exist to sing Your praises
    without Your presence here, I am nothing
    an orphan without a daddy
    a whisper never heard
    alone seeking
    ~Father

    Gosh.....simply wonderful ~

    Good luck & God bless you!

    Bear ~


    • thelordreigns gold member
      July 8, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Bear!

      I am so glad you liked this. I was the "orphan without a daddy" until I learned who my real Father was... that was sort of the reason for capping the last line and not capping the first line. It makes the senyru part -

      father~
      because you are
      ~Father

      He is our everything - the very breath we breathe.

      God bless you abundantly dear heart...

      - jo -


  • aboomer silver member
    July 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely!!! And I enjoyed your author's notes - I like how you indented the two syllable lines - gives it impact.
    Great wording, lovely shape. I especially liked,
    'without Your presence here, I am nothing
    an orphan without a daddy
    a whisper never heard
    alone seeking

    ~Father'

    Nice job!! Best wishes in the contest


  • grannyeri gold member
    July 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So many different forms the participants in this contest used. Each is so different, yet there is some similarity between them all. Lovely form and entry you have penned here.


  • Entwining Beauty
    July 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful and well written poem good luck in the contest

1 - 8 of 8