SWALLOW the PILLS (a bitter destraction to the EMOTIONS i wish not to FEEL)

anger turned to stale emptiness
tears burning eyes with sorrow of loss.

i wanted SO bad just to get lost in a realationship that only existed in TV,
but of course that wont happen to me.

START OF THE DAY:
take a packet of white pills.
brake up the things to take away the agony

MORNING:
arriving in a state of depression,
i know no pain, only sadness.
frustration has turned to a deafing throbbing in my head.
voices echoing and melting into my mind.
avoiding the person i wish to see.
roll call comes and i brave a smile for the girl that has shown me only kindness;
but it hurts more and more with each passing second.

FIRST PERIOD:
art.
attacking the book with all annoyance of my socially unable state of mind.
pulsing in my head,
eyes burning.
this is more then a headache,
and i want it to stop;
i cant concentrate.
3 pills in one go.
swallowing down the suppossed fear of meeting his face next 50minutes.

SECOND PERIOD:
german.
so the teacher thought it would be fun to enjoy chocolate.
i feel like someone as set my eyes alight.
just another 4 more panadol wouldnt hurt.
avert his eyes.
the drugs are kicking.
i feel a little dizzy,
actually i think i might need to sit down.
i collaspe into a chair.
head banging upon desk,
averting the pain into my heart and the pounding in my head.
dodging glances as i rest my eyes.
my body aches for sleep.

RECESS:
lie down on the fence.
metal digging into my back
              (already dug into my thigh)
was he thinking of me?
        (will i make that mistake again?)
anxiety eat away at my held back screams.
but comfort comes not long after he sits next to me.
i lay my head upon his shoulder.
i just need rest.
i need sleep.
i need him.

THRID PERIOD:
DAT
pass the time writing a note filled to the brim with apologies.
just drink down another pill.

FOURTH PERIOD:
math
starting to feel it work.
i lay down and i am seperated from my head.
im not really in my own body,
im not really here.
the throbbing is reduced to a numbing sensation.
it takes all my effort to get up when the bell chimes through my ears and into my head
ringing.  ringing.  ringing.

LAST PERIOD:
health.
this time i know for sure its working.
i dont tell anyone but i'v had more then 10...defenitly ore then double...maybe even triple...i cant remember anymore.
shaking with brittle cold.
i also didnt mention that only minutes ago i threw up in the toliets.
my eyes are glazed,
my expression blank,  lost of hope.
alone and freezing.
i cant cling to the thoughts running through my mind;
they leave just as i try to make sense of them.
my stomache feels like its about to seize up.
its getting harder to breathe.

WALKING HOME:
reflecting over the kiss that lingers on my mouth.
bittersweetness hangs in the air.

HOME:
i am so drained.
a whirlwind of feeling...
exhaustion ebbing at lost thoughts.
i cannot wait for sleep;
but maybe i'll just stay on msn a little longer,
waiting.

i just wanted it to all stop.