how STUPID are you? (did you actually BELIEVE those PITY filled LIES?)

picking up the pen instead of the blade,
although i crave the sting of the other so much more;
i know i cant do it.

so i'v written in times of angst,
times of depression and sorrow.
but now its time for a little frustration and betrayel.

how stupid are you?
how on fucking earth did you believe those pity-filled lies?

"i'll miss you"
i read it smiling with more warmth then the fire i sit next to;
little did i know they were just hollow words,
fake as the people i watch on tv.
and so convienient that it was only wrote because of the poem that i typed the night before.

"i was worried about you"
what was that?
-oh no, you weren't THAT gulliable were you?
oh well, of course you were.
so stupid
you mean you ACTUALLY thought he cared?
oh my, i'm laughing with bitter irony right now.

how will you be able to face him tomorrow?
affection, caring, loving
forced, sympathetic, lying.

so many words in the dictionary but only one reads true;
disappointment.

those texts mean nothing now,
the emotion is replaced by empty loss.
holding on to a dying hope

so Lachlan, if your reading this;
and i know someday soon you will,
the anger is only directed at myself.
embarressment and hopelessness fills this night so bleak.
i lead myself to believe something that just wasnt true.

i wish i had ignored that suspision floating admist the joy.
i wish i would have pushed aside the coincidense that it was exactly what i wanted to hear.
i wish i hadnt remembered the fact that i had wrote it less then 24 hours ago.

ignorance is bliss?
oh more then you can ever believe.

while im adding to this public account of my documented faliures i may as well mention;

CATY-i want to call you so much as i write this, i love you so much
BILLZIE-i miss you sooo much.  school feels so empty when i dont have you and lachy
ALEX-pleeassee never joke about cancer again, you are a great friend i could never handle it if you really were sick again.
LAURA-i dont the deserve the friendship you've shared with me.  you are what i assume an angel would be,  i hope you and rohan happily ever after.

ME?-try not to screw things up again.