Enmity flares
bursting through sweltering azure eyes.
As brutality is spread,
upon this fortified muddled ground.
While they clash over her right to live,
without her father’s cantankerous values suppressing,
the person she wanted to unleash,
to the insane world she longed to see.
But alas all she heard,
was the devil's obsidian cackling,
while each limb is torn.
Butchered beyond belief,
damning her reality,
imprisoning this dream.
Author notes
14 Lines
Prompt:
What I feel may happen when I finally tell my dad I'm leaving.....
A contest entry
- Not For The Weak III by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended July 4, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes....Or Does It? by Lowercase Prelude.
1500 points, ended July 8, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please critique my work if you feel this needs improving
Comments
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your word usage really helped capture the feel of this piece. this was good.
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I can relate to you here... My biological father was an overbearing jerk. He hated me for being gothic and a writer, instead of the preppy athlete he'd wanted. I finally cut him off for good when I was just a year or so older than you, and it was the best thing I'd ever done.
Technical stuff:
- 'flairs' should be 'flares' in that context
- 'devils' should be the possessive here
- 'portentous' should be 'pretentious', though that doesn't really fit the mood.
Other than that, this is a pretty good piece of poetry with a lot of suppressed rage and emotion. Thanks for entering.
Laura
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