I pay the tolls for silence, waiting for the sounds. Sirens wail
and buses pick up strangers from trains, as if static to teeth of a comb
while the Minah scurries to his nest after cat got to the tree.
He needs to understand, cat didn't know how to climb;
Hills Hoist a veritable feast for amusing feline femininity
and dangling verbs of strange dialects as he crapped on life.
The vest of worn buttons in gray silver matched certain aspects
in my eyes, old used tin cans. Clouds covered standard stains,
leaving only rain. My entire week like new leaves,
flapping on a tight line
wrapped on fingers like forget-me-knots
they don't cut anymore just tick off seconds
until late night/early mornings appear
for me to unwrap you,
to read the words 'won't forget you'...
I waited up in silent church halls just
listening for the heavy breathing under robes
telling me your desire touched me
words get me through shantung blinds,
shiny minutes of empty and full mouths
promising myself not to sleep sideways,
pillows clutched for one strand of linen hair
blow the cork on expensive red,
catch your lips on the rim, pouring you down my
throat; the expanse of longing.
You kiss sullen shapes from catching me unawares
I'll slow dance at midnight for you
dreams that come whether I am inside them
or just thinking with
closed eyes
Author notes
The disclaimer:
"I understand that entering this competition could be the spring board to fame and ultimately being fabulously wealthy and hounded by the paparazzi. On the other hand it could also attract the most God awful bollocking from the judges who may have mistaken my masterpiece for a piece of *bunny*. If this be the case, I promise, that if I enter this comp I waive my right to complain to moderators or owner, or to ticket the judges about the appallingly disrespectful critique it may attract.
I also promise I will cut and paste this disclaimer into the author’s notes (no where else so don’t ask) or I will take my poem and piss off. I also promise that should my masterpiece have won gold before this comp is judged, the judges will kindly piss this entry off for me, without even a howdy-do or a kiss goodbye."
In a list
A contest entry
- Free toilets! (for lack of a better title) by youllneverknow.
2500 points, ended August 3, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I am unsure if I am reading this incorrectly, but the starting point of the stanzas seem in conflict with punctuation. This in my opinion made it seem long-winded in areas and interfered with transition. In addition, it gave me the impression of two complete poems pieced together. The first 3 stanzas seemed a bit out of place from the rest as the 4th through last stanza held a quality of sensuality. The first portion held angst and read with a different tone which contributed to the poem seeming unbalanced. Overall, I could appreciate the imagery and metaphors which I found appealing and creative. In my opinion, they gave this piece a sort of surreal feeling.
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I understand what you mean, it is the ending of a day and a waiting for a phone call from a different time zone, the one that creates the sensuality, it was my dilemma to show the frustration until the call brings the remembered sensuality. Sigh punctuation is not a strong suit as D P so often reminds me lol..Thank you for your honest appraisal.
C
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Okay, I have read this four times now and to my soul it is uneven. When it is good, well quite frankly it is brilliant but other parts not so much. Those parts I don’t care for as much give me a feeling of experimenting with both the style and language and as such gives off a very uncertain feel – this I did not particularly like although it is well described.
while the Minah scurries to his nest after the cat got to the tree. If India hadn't lied in several dialects, he would have understood cat didn't know how to climb. Vest of worn buttons in gray silver matched certain aspects in my eyes. Clouds covered and left only the rain.
While this on the other hand is stellar,
wrapped on fingers like forget-me-knots. They don't cut anymore just tick off seconds until late night/early mornings appear for me to unwrap you,
But despite its unevenness it has a magical feel to this that I like a great deal. Its neither nostalgic, and certainly not whimsical yet it has a distance to it that works well with the piece. It also has a fantastic sensuality to it that should send a tingle through most of us still breathing. Or in this case, breathing heavier than what they were at the beginning of the line.
blow the cork on expensive red, catch your lips on the rim, pouring you down my throat;
And quite frankly, after reading a line like that, whatever aspects of this piece I may not have been overly fond were now forgotten. And whilst I may find aspects of this better than other parts of it, I find the entire piece a whole lot better than nearly every other piece I have read thus far and for that I thank you.
But from very good to brilliant needs the finest of fine tunings.
David
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Promising myself not to sleep sideways Excellent!
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Make it a double my friend and we can commiserate all proper like. And still I dream while I'm awake. Best of luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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lol I have set myself up for some crits as D P is co judging this, but he does it honestly and helps so that's a good thing. Just shaking in my boots lol
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taiinfinite
i like very much all over the place brought together with an uncorked red so many tales told, thanks for a great read
. Rewarded 4
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wow. so i'm kind of confused, maybe i'm just not used to this form. however, i love the notstalgic touch
you have added. and the imagery.
you've laced this write with memories,
and if not memories of what's real, memories of fantasy. i love this! it's beautiful :]] -
I like the different style you've applied here; seems to work better with regards to line breaks and flow. Loved the nostalgic quality of this poem...the things that stay with us, shape us and how we respond... and still dream. Simply beautiful... matches my mood today, Chez.
~ Nicolette
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Mmmm that means you are lost in thoughts too...sigh..are yours worlds away as well
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yes...worlds away...
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sigh.. I understand so well
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I believe this is how so many of us
Get through, on our dreams of long, long ago. The extra moments that fill in the gaps to get us though till tomorrow...mac
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letting ourselves feel the presence and absence, the wants and admissions; a reality that sets the stage for having all that we desire...for happiness does not wait idly, it is in us or it is never...so well done here, with an affirmation...PK
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