If it isn't the sand
or dry heat of the sun,
it's the whip on your back,
first it stings,
then goes numb.
The black hair,
the eye make up,
bathing cat queens in milk.
Holding naked flame torches.
Draping Pharaohs in silk.
We are building a structure
from which Pharaohs can fly
to heaven,
marked out
by some stars in the sky.
Decorations
of paintings,
deep reds, golds and blues.
Expressing our worship
on the walls that we use.
We're aware of the future,
over years we'll be old,
we are hiding our tombstones,
from you thieves who seek gold.
Author notes
"Pharaohs In Silk"
A contest entry
- The EGYPT Contest!!! by NooNiThEWitcH.
463 points, ended August 1, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Very good .. loved the ending and it made me smile.
Good job .. i like your wording and rhyme..
Thank you so much for entering, keep on writing and good luck in my contest.
Nooni
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I like this a lot.very good job on this one!...=]
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This has a very Jim Morrison feel to it.
It is excellent.
Exquisite title.
It's clever and articulate.
It simply stands as a beautiful piece.
You should be proud my brother,
this is Art.
Blessings always,
LOWELL POE
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thank you so much for reading my poetry...it brought me here to yours, and what a remarkable find! Love, Lane
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Woow, breath-taking fantastical write here! The imagery of all the walls and cats and makeup was perfect, and though the rhyme/flow was a little unusual you hit it spot on. Didn't find any msitakes or things I'd like to change. Good job!
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Outstanding
You paint a rich tapestry of imagery in this poem and take us back to lost ages. I can almost see the pharaohs standing in front of me. I liked how you suggested building the tombs and trying to protect them from grave robbers, I believe the Egyptians were experts at this and went to great lengths to protect themselves in the afterlife. A fascinating poem.
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great advice friend, thankyou so much!
and everyone else who's left me feedback, i'm in debt to you all.
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hey thanks for such a great comment! i completely agree about the unnecessary caps at the begining of some lines, i've changed them now. thanks so much! -Jamie
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Very nice! Great and unusual rhyme scheme, good flow, rich images and concise thought and presentation - except, I would get rid of the start line caps, too. Good luck in the contest.
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I absolutely adore bumping into poetry that is uncommon in theme...I love this! Great job with imagery and your flow and punctuation is spot on making for a better read...however I would suggest getting rid of the unnecessary caps at the start of each line....It is disruptive against your otherwise grammatically precise poem....also, to me capped lines stand out and my eyes want to find the acrostic in it... (ok I am so gonna move along past that capped lines thing, lol)
....but great job! Seriously, I doubt you need it, but Good Luck in the contest!
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Great!
Loved it. Colorful.
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great write! I love how you paint such a vivid picture with the words you use but keep the poem short and sweet! thanks for sharing!
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I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the pharoah's didn't have silk. Anyway, it's an interesting poem and I see the topic was leveled by the contest owner. Loved the second stanza. I think that may be because I'm a crazy cat lady, though. Kudos and keep penning!
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phew, i checked and they did have silk. had me going for a second there!
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Haha I sent a disclaimer.
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hmm... this is really an interesting poem, with great imagery. i really like
We are building a structure
From which Pharaohs can fly
To heaven,
Marked out
By some stars in the sky.
The rhyme was pretty well done; overall, a very nice poem.
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ooh, I like it. Its interesting, because it has a very good rhyme scheme, but I've never seen a poem where the rhyme scheme becomes such a part of the poem. Its really cool.
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sets a picture. some nice rhyme, over all fine work. I was actually thinking about Egypt today. I think remembering a past life.
creatress
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