Not enough honey,
Not enough oats.
Maybe, perhaps,
The maker is trying to get my goat?
Its happy yellow-orange coloring,
Stares me down in the pantry.
As I lose MY coloring,
Realizing;
The only cereal left uneaten!
This morning, my brothers,
To this place I shouldn't have let in!
But wait!
Oh, salvation!
To rescue me,
From my painful starvation,
A Poptart sent
from that short-haired god,
My brother John.
Author notes
Silly, but true, breakfast time.
I found the poptart behind that dastardly Honey bunches of Oats box.
A contest entry
- Notice the unnoticed by Dienush.
900 points, ended July 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.
Comments
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i like that cereal
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Hmm. You have some very good basis, with the concrete imagery and the simple tone to this, the vague quality to this poem that speaks about something small and yet can still be interpreted. However, I feel that most of it is filler content. I don't know, perhaps you truly meant all of it, but I say that from my perspective as a reader. I don't understand the second stanza at all, which may be my fault, but I just don't get it. I like the first couplet, though, I think the repetition works and it's something so apparently insignificant for the beginning of a poem, it shocks and draws me in with that. In the third stanza, I like the food coloring - your coloring bit, quite expressive, but I feel "happy" is redundant, as yellow and orange are happy colors anyway. I also don't really go for wholly capitalized words to emphasize a point... you could use italics or asterisks, though I honestly don't think you need to emphasize that word, it speaks loud enough as it is. I like the "realizing" put there in a line of its own, I think it's an attention-catcher that way. the next three stanzas sound to me a bit like you were forcing some rhyme in. I think you could possibly do something stronger and clever with that "wait", if alone that word could come into a nice contrast with "realizing", but that is just my view on it. I really like the "short-haired God", nice phrase. Thanks for your entry
~Diana
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