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Nightfall

Moonlight is cast upon me
As I perch precariously in the tree
The night breeze fresh against my skin;
The aromatic leaves delicious to my senses

An eye's sight away, she is before me once again;
A model's figure, the golden tone of honey.
Her innocence chases the flow of desire through me
As she lies in the tub, almost immersed in fluid

Delicate petals rest upon the water;
Her subtle movements create ripples
A soft melody can be heard through the glass
I watch with rapture; delirious to her splendor

An incredible beauty before me;
So endearing, so remarkable;
My soul will sing in harmony with hers
One of these nightfalls

Author notes

I think it's written very softly for it's content...lol...it's basically about a creeper watching a girl in a bathtub. The word bank helped make it soft I think...great words to use =)

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Luckintheshadows
    July 25, 2008

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    Wow...you're right this is soft...but hideously creepy!!! I really like...makes me think of that part in the horror movies where the heroine is blissfully unaware of the killer stalking her...and that soft music that plays in the background! You've really created a superb atmosphere with your words....Thanks so much for sharing this, and taking the time to enter my contest,

    Luck.


  • mcrfan322
    July 14, 2008

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    great poem realy felt the emotion... if i could think of more to write i would but im not intelligent enought so yeah all i can say is its good and keep up the good work


  • after-silence
    July 13, 2008

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    Yikes! I feel bad for this lady... I'd be pretty creeped out about someone hiding in a tree to watch me bathe. At the same time I found it interesting that you turned it into something that still felt beautiful and romantic... Excellent word choice to create tangible imagery. I particularly liked the way you captured the feel of the breeze and the scent of the leaves; to me some of the visual images didn't seem as fresh and striking. I like it though. Thank you very much for entering my contest!


  • Lady Michaella
    July 13, 2008
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    Thanks for entering! A really great poem. I enjoyed reading it.


  • thepoetsings
    July 13, 2008

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    The language is so lovely...and the subject is so....not. I enjoyed the way you wrote this piece from a peeping tom's point of view - but you also made him seem like less of a villain and more of a romantic than most people would have. Thank you for your entry!

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    July 9, 2008

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    I really think the foundation of this is strong. There are definite places where some of the filler words can be removed and it would add a bit more depth to thepiece.

    Some of the images are great, others (to me) are a bit more obvious.

    While you do use images, you still tell me more than show me.

    Still a good write


  • Heavenly Angel silver member
    July 9, 2008

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    Oh wow! Is this sensual or what?!?!?!?
    For it to have started out intending to be "creepy" (don't see that ) this came out really sensual and I very much enjoyed reading
    Thank you for sharing and for being part of the contest; good luck to you!


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    July 7, 2008

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    The part that really stuck out to me was

    "I watch with rapture; delirious to her splendor"

    This was a good poem about a creepy situation. And the way you penned it, you almost made it seem beautiful


  • Sketchin
    July 6, 2008
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    very good...i thank you for entering and good luck


  • MichaelLeeSmyth
    July 4, 2008

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    I really liked the way that the malice held within waits until the very end. A very different twist than what I was expecting.
    Good write.

  • hardeepb
    July 3, 2008

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    Wow...

    The imagery in this is some of your best. Someone being watched...and the desire you have watching that beauty...so close and yet so far;

    "A model's figure, the golden tone of honey.
    Her innocence chases the flow of desire through me
    As she lies in the tub, almost immersed in fluid"

    So vivid and real...as if it's actually happening...

    "I watch with rapture; delirious to her splendor"

    The word bank DEFINITELY made this softer...but also more creeper because it's not direct...and the language is very intricate. Enjoyed this read A LOT and you will do very well in the contest! 9/10!

1 - 11 of 11