We glance, are caught and skinned
like surface snow beneath the
winter’s yellow patch.
We share a breath –
two ghosts become one substance.
We tell fantastic tales
of all we are and lifetimes seen,
battles fought between the flags,
train and horse rides,
teenage spots and promises
of all embracing dreams
that sometimes come as nightmares.
We blink
and turn to strangers, once again –
beating at the pressing air,
anonymous,
alone yet somehow richer
in the sharing of this breath,
this rape of soul, this substance,
this blazing light
of intimate release...
Author notes
Train. Mall. High street.
That look - the one that takes your breath away...
In a list
A contest entry
- Quickie Quote Prompt # 6 by BluesMan.
875 points, ended July 16, 2008, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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In the blink of an eye and a soulful breath the souls within search for a connection of past lives shared Thank you for entering my contest
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Good
I think you capture us within your cryptic thought well, not too much information, but just enough to bring us in, absolutely well done. There was no error. No typos. Nothing to change. I look forward to your next write
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you capture some good imagery here and dont fall into the main pitfalls that surround this sort of poetry. I thouhgt at times some of the similies were a little confusing or irrelevant, such as battles between the flags, but that may be me mis-reading this. Also i would have a look at the puntuation, personally i think less is more, and here it seems to strangle it somewhat, but its obviously your choice.
good write and keep it up brother! -
Whoa! Are you on my favorites list already? I'm adding you. You are one of the few poets I actually look up to because of your poetic merit.
"Love" at first sight? You captured it, rendered the poor theme helpless with your brilliance
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Excellent title! And it really captures the essence of this poem.
The opening verse is dynamite!
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Fantastic
This poem was well written. It has great form.
Something that caught my attention was:
We share a breath –
two ghosts become one substance.
The stanza after that sort of fits the theme of the 4th of July. A little patriotic. I can see a campfire setting.
The last stanza was a great way to end the poem.
I like the fact that there is meaning yet a bit of abstract features to this poem.
great job:
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The flow is excellent , the poem reads very well out loud I like the almost "not with a bang but a whimper" ending
Jeff
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excellent
You have written apoem with full heart and emotions..it made me smile and feel sad at the same time. However the mix of two was in just right proportions. Thanks for haring this one with us. Please visit some of my poetry as well.Yes,I loved these lines:
We blink
and turn to strangers, once again –
beating at the pressing air,
anonymous,
alone yet somehow richer
in the sharing of this breath,
this rape of soul, this substance,
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Great poem. Ye my favourite is also the last stanza, Blink
We glance, are caught and skinned
like surface snow beneath the
winter’s yellow patch.
We share a breath –
two ghosts become one substance.
We tell fantastic tales
of all we are and lifetimes seen,
battles fought between the flags,
train and horse rides,
teenage spots and promises
of all embracing dreams
that sometimes come as nightmares.
We blink
and turn to strangers, once again –
beating at the pressing air,
anonymous,
alone yet somehow richer
in the sharing of this breath,
this rape of soul, this substance,
this blazing light
of intimate release...
I liked it, Well done -
My favorite part of this piece is the last stanza. Very elegant. I dont really know how to describe what I like about this poem. I think it's the way you chose to put forth your ideas...the words you used. There were some parts where you break and I felt like the break was premature or late. Instead of
"teenage spots and promises of
all embracing dreams",
'teenage spots and promises
of all embracing dreams' flows better to me.
Again with
"alone yet somehow richer in the
sharing of this breath,"
I think ending a line in 'the' makes the line seem like it broke too soon or too late.
But that's just my opinion. -
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Line breaks
Thanks for your comments and advice.
I tend to use line breaks as guides to breathing when the poem is read aloud. I tried both ways and it didn't seem to matter too much. However, the fact that both of the breaks irritated you enough to mention them showed me that your version was better. Just like a drumbeat in music, how can you concentrate on the poem when the rhythm is wrong? I've made the changes and hope that it scans better now.
Best, p
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I just love this penning, Scribe. The entire last stanza is magnificent. Good luck in the contest, my Friend. I'm moving this weekend. Hope to be back soon. Happy Independence Day from the mischievous Colonial. 
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Hmmm... I just don't relate to this poem. Things don't happen this quickly with me, perhaps because I fit too much thought inbetween each blink. "and turn to strangers once again" What you've left out is how isolated some people are. I've got friends who literally assimilate personalities... and friends who'll never change mood. Think how different this poem would sound if you didn't use "we".
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Relating
Thanks for your comments. Sorry the poem didn't do it for you - but I wasn't trying to describe a relationship.
I find that most strangers tend to look away quickly if their eyes meet but, rarely, a glance is held for a fraction longer than normal. It's almost as if a 'connection' of some kind is made. And then we break eye contact and move on, most likely never to meet or, even if we do, never to share the 'sense' of that moment again. Hope that helps clarify things a little.
Best, p
p.s. I'm truly fascinated by the idea of people who never change mood - do you mean that they just never seem to show it?
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Blink, and we are all but nothing. Once we were there, then all is forgotten...nothing is as it seems. But then, there is something that catches the eye, and we know in an instant of what is! Crafted only from your pen...your words never cease to be outstanding! ~Sie
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