My touchable sun,
My reachable sky.
On your shoulders,
These two objects
And many more;
Easily picked from their place
by my small hands.
For I;
Who has not so much grown
P
U,
But rather, can only reach
P
U;
Am lucky in the fact,
That you are a willing
R
E
D
D
A
L
P
E
T
S
To help me succeed.
In return,
I can try to give you,
All the
S R
T
S A
And
O
M O
S N
That I am capable of.
Author notes
The word stars is supposed to make an 'X', the word moons is supposed to make an 'O'.
Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.
Comments
-
Distracting, but otherwise good!
By making certain words form certain shapes you really made this piece stand out. In all honesty, the fact that there's a bunch of those, though, is distracting to me. Once I got through it the first time I had to go back and read it again for meaning. Sometimes that's the intent of the writer - I don't know if it was yours - but very rarely does it work for me. I personally prefer a poem to make an impact the first time around. But these are easy fixes - even if you made the 'up's normal, it would help. But that's just my opinion =) Aside from formatting, I liked the point of this poem a lot. The imagery is fantastic, with or without the formatted words.
-
-
Thank you very much! I've thought about the format a lot, actually. While it is supposed to be that way, you are right! I re-read the poem and it certainly is a bit distracting! I'm tempted to change it, but the shapes are supposed to convey a meaning...
-
Adding your comment:
