psyche
of forsaken,
as night’s vision dissolves
to crimson rays of awareness,
breath of spirit stretches
past melody
now heard,
as whispers love
of note’s exaltation
pouring from cup within His hands,
harmony’s ascension
with perception
waking,
golden sunrise
as swirls heart’s euphony
within black and white existence,
crescendos His command
through anthem’s call,
voices
raised in praise
as mortal life responds,
eternal duet, soul and flesh
united in moment,
uplifted eyes
seeking
wisdom’s lyrics
unfolding between lines
of worship through soft quintessence
refreshing earthly form
with breath’s murmur
reaching
to absorb words’
knowledge as day begins,
heaven’s predestined steps guiding
movement of time’s portal,
until descends
twilight,
as final prayer
embraces His love shown,
listening to refrain’s insight
of labor’s still to come,
with concluding
chorus
Author notes
Behrquain Swirl -
Syllable count:
2 4 6 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2
(I added a 4 syllable count second from the end, the number was missing, I hope that is correct)
Thank you to my dear sister Cannonsfire, who read the contest page for me last night.
About my poem: I do not know no other way to describe it, dear Bear. I have learned to walk with the Lord, expressed through music and the sound of praise for many years. The very first thing upon awakening each day, is a particular hymn, worship song, choir song, that I hear inside of me. That sets the tone for the day. I try to follow where it leads me, and though I am but human and falter many times, (Oh, so many!) it is something that consoles me on hard days when I go to sleep at night. I know I will hear it first thing the next day, and walk again beside Him all day long, within the notes of praise and worship. That is what makes me tic, and why I participate in music and worship at church and take on that role to assist in that capacity.
A contest entry
- Moment of Truth - Round 3 of 4 by Arkbear.
700 points, ended July 8, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi Susie ~
First impression.......aesthetics could have been worked on a tad more to give those soft squares their shape, laying atop the other as you turn your head to an angle of right ~
Your 4th & 7th Swirls are basically flawless.........2 & 5 are really strecthed out of shape, as your 8 syll lines are too long.....proper grammatical choices will take care of that ~
For your write...........well......I will not say it had good flow, because it did not ~
....and I can't say I know what many of your metaphores and descriptives are......but I am sure you do :)
to crimson rays of awareness,
breath of spirit stretchesharmony’s ascension
with perceptionas swirls heart’s euphony
listening to refrain’s insight
of labor’s still to come,I can guess at them, and yes, I have a good idea of what they mean, after the 5th read :) ....but the first few times through your Form had me stopping.....starting....stopping....starting to check every single line for meaning ~
I do, believe, you have hidden the main course inside of heavy thoughts, which is only good if you have the space to do it......but inside this strict form, you have to be careful not display thoughts of short-3-worded-statements into the mix, or it is going to more difficult to comprehend ~
Over-all......just because ( I ) could not understand it on the first run, does not mean this is not going to gain favor from my scoreboard.....well done and thank you so much for re-writing your entry.....sorry the forms were sorta hidden ~
God bless you!
Bear ~
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Excellent
This is beautiful! And the shape looks perfect to me.
Well done!!
Best wishes in the contest.
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So many different forms we re using in this contest; each is different yet there is some similiary between them all. Lovely poem of what makes you tic and what your higher power is.
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This is really beautiful. I love the passion in your words. He is all-in-all. Your poem truly reveals your love for our Savior. It is a glorious praise poem.
- joanne -
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I've never tried a sonnet, and know nothing about them - so can only comment on your wording, which is beautiful! Very touching and heartfelt. Lovely job!!
(on the contest page it stated you were doing a 'behrquain swirl' - or something like that...lol)
Anyways, this was beautiful.
best wishes in the contest.
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very beautiful poem I have never wrote a sonnet I'll have to give it ago your poem is very beautiful good luck
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A lovely piece that flowed so smoothly. My best wishes.
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