man speaks little
English. a lilliputian
with small ears,
small feet.
says, “ma’am” .
“ma’am please”.
this time I
don’t stop. And keep
walking baby, that
man is crazy
enough to
snatch you.
over my
shoulder
I know that name
on his lips
saying to quit being
a bitch about this.
snaked around
my midsection
the just-fucked feeling
and I’m kneeling
in the alleyway
stupid again.
“cute kid” he
whispers but she’s
not mine and
I don’t have time
for this. the heels
kick, click, echo
‘whore’
all the way
to the corner
store. the
churches pour
out people from
Sunday service.
Armageddon’s going to
be here soon
and there’s still
so much shit to do;
“same time tomorrow”
God frowns,
rubs His nose.
Author notes
um...I have writer's block. I'm trying to break through it.
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Let’s see. I’m going to leave you feedback periodically throughout the comment and I’ll also sum up things I like along the way. Your first stanza is strong. You have used the word “lilliputian”, how different. I think it works in the poem and that is nice to see. I really loved the conversational nature of this piece, how you transition with the direct language and the slight use of sound and imagery. I think the three stanza seems strange, I think it’s the use of spacing. You have the two “I” words right on top of each other and one would have been fine. In general though I just think this stanza is the least effective. I could have easily seen it not in this particular poem as all. Your cut kid stanza is really where you hit home. The intelligent way of using common words to express yourself is really nice to see. So many times you read a poem that feels like it has too many frills, too much going on and not enough focus. This does not feel that way. I also loved the last two lines. All your loud language works perfectly and I can picture god, rubbing his nose, frowning. There is a lot here to admire.
Thanks so much for entering the contest. Kenny will be around to comment soon.
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oh, I can't believe I used 'I' twice like that. Thanks for telling me, and for the rest of your comment as well.
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You're welcome.
At least I brought it to your attention. 
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AWESOME! it reads like a story, verbatim in between the sense and senseless... i dove in and came out with a smile... thanks for sharing your work...
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AHHHHHHHHHHH
amazed.
in awe.
..same thing. BUT SERIOUSLY
wowza.
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I find that writers block can be the best thing to write to. I really loved this poem.
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