Tempest
thrashes vessel;
flings crucified
bodies wildly
Gutted souls
hemorrhage
defiled seawater
Thunderbolts
scourge forsaken
seeking reaper
As Kraken's judgment
devours
their comestible
shrieks
Author notes
24 words only.
PROMPT:
"Second robber to the right of Christ;
Cut in half - infanticide.
The world will rejoice today
As the crows feast on the rotting poet."
[From, "The Poet and the Pendulum" by Nightwish]
~
In a list
A contest entry
- Darkwrite Extravaganza Season II Finale by Immortal Obscurity.
875 points, ended July 5, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive comments are much obliged!!!
Comments
1 - 57 of 57
-
bravo
The sea claims more of its own here! Very deftly done, a subject I never seem to tire of visiting myself! bravo... bravo... bravo..
-
-
thank you!!!!!
-
-
I'm not really sure the line breaks work -- well, for me, and that's just my opinion, which, of course, isn't divine writ or whatever. It's very choppy, but it does fit the images of a tempest flinging crucified bodies. But you know what you're doing.
Y "gutted" es completamente perfecta aqui.
-
-
thanks! Ya the choppiness was supposed to emulate being thrashed around. Glad you liked it
. Due to the 24-word limit, it was difficult to say what I wanted, but after hours of agonizing, I threw my hands in the air, and went and watched Pirates of the Caribbean
-
-
I don't have much to say other than I love the phrase comestible shrieks. So cool.
-
Great job.
I didn't love the begin. for the simple reason it felt cut and pasted if that makes any sense like you skiped emotion.
but it is great thats just my personal opinion.
-
-
-
Wonderful descriptions, paints a vivid image. Choppy flow, though that contributes to the poem.
Thanks and good luck! -
Wow
"devours
their comestible
shrieks"
Fantastic imagery. Congrats!
-
-
aw, thanks so much for reading
-
-
A poem darkly writ!
And apparently darkly writ well!
Congratulations! Had to look up comestible in the dictionary. Hate when that happens, but it's good for me!
John-Las Vegas, Nevada
. Rewarded 4
-
Wow congrats hun, this is a strong dark and deep write, enjoyed it and you thoroughly deserved your trophy. Love, C
. Rewarded 4
-
Beautiful poem, Nice take on the prompt. This was a really enjoyable read and a extremely deserving gold winner.
-
As Kraken's judgment
devours
their comestible
shrieks
You have so much power with words. Great eloquence, great poem! A well deserved gold! -
Wow. I have read alot of books about shipwrecks. You have absolutely captured the horror of the old time shipwrecks.
There is no doubt that the gold cup was well earned.
. Rewarded 4
-
Congrats on this Gold my dear one!
Very good talent!
I read it 3 times..
Hugs
~Lisa~
-
-
aww thank you dearly!
-
-
Well done
I see you won gold on this and it was well deserved .Great piece here
-
-
thank you!
-
-
Did that answer your question? Gold, dear, pure gold... Oh ye of little faith (in self)
Excellent!
Ken
-
-
aww thanks * hug*
...ya, I'm pretty hard on myself lol
-
-
I read it. I like it. Very very powerful imagery here in this piece. Well done for this. Keep writing you have talent.
Darkest
Love
Wayne Leon
-
-
thank you , sincerely, sweet bro
-
-
You know...you could have it both ways...
e.g. "Kraken's judgment"
That way, you insert a kick-ass reference and have the word 'judgment', which makes 2x the impact of before and lets you have it both ways...heh. It's like a McDonald's Twist Cone (but they stopped making 'em a while ago. =[)
I think "Kraken's judgment" would be better than "perfect judgment" because you know who this perfect judgment is coming from, right? "Perfect judgment" is ambiguous, which I like...but for 24 words, specifics would be better, I think.
I love the word 'vessel'...I mean, yes, you could be talking about the ship, but you could be using it metaphorically too.
LoL, I tried to make this snappy but I failed utterly. Hope this helped..
-
-
you always sent me into fits with you quick tongue
hence, you are Red Fox
-
-
My quick tongue? Was I witty w/o knowing it? LMAO
-
-
yes,....a McDonalds reference......ahahahhhahahah
-
-
Oh right...well I liked those Twist cones man!!
-
-
d.i.t.t.o.
-
-
Ack, dirty pretty! LoL, you gonna leave it??
-
-
maybe i should have used the dashes you are so fond of
-
-
=D Glad to see you've been reading my poems.
-
-
dit-to
-
-
LMAO
-
-
-
-
gunna leave what? 'perfect judgment'...hell I'd I'm brooding over it lol...
wasn't meant to be dirty pretty, more like spacing to emphasize the word
-
-
LoL, the word 'ditto' sticks out on its own because it's such a cool word. It's like when your name jumps out across the page.
Oh yeah...I strongly believe it should be "Kraken's judgment". Or maybe another word that isn't even 'judgment', although judgment is a good word, because it reflects disapproval from somebody else...
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
This is wonderful description, the height of poetry...but I didn't get a sense of who it was describing. It seemed more like...a description of surroundings, not who was in the surroundings. The "their" you mention in the last stanza...we never learned about them.
"Tempest thrashes vessel"
Okay...these three words are all groovy on their own...but you used all three...NEXT TO EACH OTHER!! Whoa...I loved the word 'tempest' since I discovered what it meant when I first read "Anne of Green Gables" and she got pissed off at Gilbert for making fun of her red hair and made a tempest. 'Thrashes' reminds me of Pokemon and 'vessel' has such a fantastically ambiguous meaning... Sorry for the psychobabble, LoL.
Oh yes, and the word 'crucified' has such raw imagery and it just sounds so cool...plus, makes me think of the Cruciatus Curse.
"Gutted souls
hemorrhage
defiled seawater"
Ooh, nice...'gutted souls' has that Ouch factor you probably meant to convey and so does the verb use of 'hemorrhage'. "Defiled seawater" is just poetic, in a really gross way.
Love the words 'thunderbolt' and 'reaper'...great inclusion...you always manage to use vocabulary that I like!!
"As Kraken devours comestible shrieks"
Mmm, 'comestible'...care to define it in laymen terms??
And as for Kraken...not understanding the reference, but I can't be cultured all the time...I'm sure it's a kick-ass and relevant reference though, from what I know of you.
Good luck with this...it's awesome, but I want moooorrreeee (:
-
-
plus, it can only be 24 words long..*sigh*
-
-
In that case, I commend you Oh Mighty Roo
-
-
i made edits. go look..please
-
-
-
good lord child lol that's a lot of text (always appreciated ), . well
as per your request, "comestible" means edible..
and Kraken, is a legendary sea monster that pulverized ships and swallowed them into its razored black-hole-looking stomach/mouth.....ya, i've been trying to fix this up....i've been staring at it for hours today i feel like, and nothing is coming to make it better
-
-
I believe that you have taken the given prompt to a whole new level.
Gutted souls
hemorrhage
defiled seawater
Very good use of imagery and the word hemorrhage really gives strong impressions.
I wish you all the best in this challenge and have enjoyed competing against you.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
-
Honestly? This is much too brief. It needs to breathe and expand, open up and allow itself to be seen by all. I'd suggest really fleshing this out; give the reader stronger imagery that he/she can really chew on while reading through this.
That's really all this needs as far as I can tell. Otherwise, it's alright. -
-
-
Wow... this is definitely a chilling read - I like the impact that this creates and I wish you the best in the contest! I'm not sure about the capitalisation of Kraken? I thought that it was a species rather than a name, but then, that is just my opinion... I like the language you have used (as always ) - and I would have liked to see a little more scary imagery (probably only because I enjoy reading you so much ) Brilliant write though I loved it!
Keep writing
Polly
-
-
When she says "Kraken", she's referring to the mythological beast.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kraken -
-
I know what a kraken is... it just depends on which myth you believe as to whether they are a species or it is an anomaly ('a kraken' as opposed to 'the Kraken') - if the first, then it doesn't require capitalisation... as you can see in the article that you posted.
-
-
you know, I was totally confused, I thought this was directed towards lol
-
-
-
-
Gee;s well that I know what the prompt means lol, since you explained it first...JUST WOW
this is just so darl and errie darl..the short, sharp lines really work
As Kraken
devours
their comestible
shrieks
ohh gave me a chill.....and just finished it so well
I don't know what you were ever worried about..joking, course i do lol...But this is brilliant..and you have delievered on the prompt so very well
Cind
-
Wow, this is lovely. From your poem in the first round, I have been utterly captivated, made speechless by your poetic prowess, and this is no exception. Well done, and good luck.
Laura x
-
-
thank you!!!!.... that prompt was So hard lol
-
-
I love that word hemorrhage.
Good stuffs here.
-
-
thanks!
-
-
Yay Sailor! Go for it girl... kick their behinds, scratch out their eyes, rip, shred...
Sorry got carried away a bit... You'll do great!
Ken
-
-
hahahhahahahahhahhaha . awww thanks ken!!!!!
-
-
Well I wish you luck. You're up against two hard core poets...but you'll be fine.
-
-
I know!!!!! I'm so scared lol
..thank you for you well wishes love * hug*
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 57 of 57
