In too much pain to live, but too much fear to die,
reluctant to continue but afraid to say good-bye,
she knows she wants it better but she can’t see how to heal.
It’s hard to live a life that you’re trying to conceal.
She tells them that it’s fine; she hates for them to worry
but really it’s too hard to talk, the words just get all blurry.
It’s hard to concentrate; she can’t make herself care
and she can’t escape the magnetizing spiral of despair.
She has no right to grieve still; she should have already won.
She doesn’t understand that which cannot be undone.
Clinging to a memory of simplicity, truth, and peace,
she knows now her highest hope is just death’s soft release.
Author notes
"Suicide mission"
- A Sanctuary for the Lost Alone Dark or group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Eating Disorders and Depression by BarbedWireButterfly.
900 points, ended July 16, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bleeding Hope by sins and sorrow.
475 points, ended July 13, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free toilets! (for lack of a better title) by Reset Button.
2500 points, ended August 3, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotions by satan-.
950 points, ended July 14, 2008, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The emo cliches... by AutumnsFlame.
1416 points, ended July 23, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - REALLY Not For The Weak: Ultra-Deluxe Suicide-Edition by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended August 12, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Well, seems like Sailor Ptolema already knew what I was going to say about this; yes, the rhyme is extremely pedestrian. If you have a limited vocabulary, go learn some new words and weave them into your poem once you've mastered them and have learnt their meanings. Rhyme without variation from the usual "worry/blurry, die/bye" stuff is a bore to read and doesn't take much talent to write, especially when one skips metre entirely.
Sign up for a "vocab a day" newsletter through email or something. I got one for years & it helped my writing immensely.
-hiraeth -
Ok, this is obviously a very personal piece, and the sentiment is there, which is wonderful, so thank you for the passion! But, the execution is poor. With edits, it can improve. The rhyme, I felt, was elementary, which drastically weakens the emotive effect of the poem on the reader. And this is relatable to a lot of people, I'm sure, so you don't want to diminish its impact with, as hiraeth would say, pedestrian rhyme.
"the words just get all blurry.">>>this is weak. The image of words getting blurry doesn't work, and I think that it was more of attempt to simply find a rhyming word.
"Clinging to a memory of simplicity, truth, and peace,
she knows now her highest hope is just death’s soft release.">>.this is weak, I'd consider revising. It really lessons the impact of the poem
thank you for knowing how to spell!!!
thanks for entering and g'luck!
-sailor ptolema
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I like it! you did a fab job!
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HAHAH your short story is fine, and I did like your poem. Your flow was just the slightest bit off at some points, but your rhyming was excellent. It was emotional, which I like to see in a poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Although this was filled to the brim with a clichéd theme, it at least appears to have some emotional backing which goes a long way especially after reading detached flat pieces. Sometimes rhyme can confine the author too much especially if their vocabulary is limited. I would recommend researching and experimenting with various forms of poetry, expanding vocabulary to broaden your word bank, read diverse literature and keep penning. I think you simplicity hit the topic head on.
“…she can’t escape the magnetizing spiral of despair”
“Clinging to a memory of simplicity…”
Great lines and keep penning.
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Thank you! Even though I posted this the first day I came to AP it was actually written quite a while ago and I know it's far from perfect; I can't bring myself to edit or hide it though because it still feels powerful to me even though it's not necessarily "good poetry." I'm definitely always working to broaden my experiences in poetry by trying different forms (though I fail at many; villanelles will be the death of me) and by trying to incorporate more complex rhyme. I know those are things I can always work on.
Thank you so much for your helpful comment!
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I actually like the rhyming in your poem, as it adds a sort of fluidity you don't normally see in poems of such subject matter. the first line of your poem just instantly shows how someone with depression feels. Very accurate, so I thought that was really nice. Thanks for entering!
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Thank you very much. I'm pretty happy to get a comment from someone who doesn't think the rhyme is too awful, and I appreciate your comment. Thanks for hosting this contest
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The rhyme scheme was.....yeah. I didn't enjoy the rhyme scheme at all, sorry to say. It was quiet a common scheme and overused by so many people. Anyway, the concept was interesting but needs a different rhyme meter maybe. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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I should actually detest this piece of writing as it contains pretty much every flaw in rhyming poetry except for one very redeeming factor – it has a genuine sense of honesty. You feel it is written, at a guess, by a teenage girl trapped in a personal, despairing hell. It doesn’t make the poetry great by any stretch of the imagination but it does make it emotional and it certainly makes what is usually illiterate somehow readable. This needs an edit with a greater eye to meter.
It’s hard to concentrate; she can’t make herself care
and she can’t escape the magnetizing spiral of despair
Not too shabby at all but I would urge you to understand how to construct verse better than this. First step, obtain a better vocabulary so that it gives you greater rhyming choices.
David
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Sorry that it contains so many flaws... Are you referring mainly to the meter and the simple rhyme or are there other problems as well? Sorry and thanks for the honest response..
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I really like this! Beautiful!
Thank you for following the rules for the authors notes part! It helps to know that someone was paying attention to the rules! So thank you!!
Beautiful piece!
"and she can’t escape the magnetizing spiral of despair."
fav. line!!
Great job, thanks for entering and good luck! -
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Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it. That's probably my favorite line from it too... I thought of that and sort of wrote the rest of the stanza around that. Well, thank you very much for hosting the contest!
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