The streets crawled with harvested clay
at its knee bones
that stained just like your starkness;
just like, but not quite.
The moss bed was spray paint and riffraff
--made to seem moldy;
Fibers dig deep underneath our bread-flesh,
and I cannot rid myself of this green.
Where's the goodbye in the grass
that once was trampled so much
it resembled your thoughts on her.
Was skin so easily peeled back,
back then that it didn't bother you
until you realized the world didn't
bend to freight train tracks?
The leaves in October were as oceanic
as in the pictures;
small, ripened harborers of guilt.
You bought Stephen King to see
how well I would then respond to
your three dollar movie-conversation.
But I had more appeal talking about
rainbow parties than your coworkers.
The streets strained to stay their
dirty stench of borrowed clay,
even after the clouds shot sparks
into street-lamp transformers.
Route 30 could flood thirty times
from now, but it would still smell
just like your starkness.
Author notes
Just like, but not quite.
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hey again. I have read this quite a few times since you entered it into the contest and I only have a few critical things to mention. I think your opening stanza is your strongest part. The rest of the piece is effective, but emotionally, that was where you got me. As for the critique, I think you may want to consider saying “thoughts of her” instead of “on”. That seems strange to me, in the second stanza. I also found this awkward:
“You bought Stephen King to see
how well I would then respond to
your three dollar movie-conversation. “ - I think it’s the second to last line. Too many filler words can sometimes take some of that intensity away from the poem. It’s the “then” that I think could go. Another critical observation: I’m not sure the question mark is needed in your poem. The way it is worded doesn’t come across as an absolute question. End of critiques.
Your piece is certainly stark, like you said twice in the poem. There is that emotional transitioning of thoughts and a lovely plethora of images, tied by vocal outlooks and a very calming surreal atmosphere, which is not entirely so. This reminds me of a famous
poets work, Maxine Kumin, you should look her up if you haven’t already.
Thanks so much for entering the contest. Kenny will be around at some point to leave his thoughts as well.
;
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The on instead of 'of', comes from viewing the girl at hand as a distant object, rather than... someone. He doesn't talk to her anymore, but he thinks a lot about her. He has these.. beliefs of who she was/is. she's more of an aspiration for him - what he wants his wife to be, rather than thinking her- a regular girl he used to love. I don't know, it's just a personal preference. I agree with the awkwardness in that stanza towards the end-- I'll reword it eventually. And I'll revise the question mark.
Thank you for the comment. -
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Thank you for explaining why you chose "on" instead. I can see what you were trying to do there now. Sometimes it's all in how you read things. If you do make any changes to this piece send me an IM. I'm always curious to see how a write changes, etc.
You're welcome.
;
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Phewww... starkness!
You really are forging a style all your own... starkness, riff raff, bread-flesh... excellent word choice.
Kj
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i think that this is fantastic.
i love all of your imagery. it never gets old and you always bring up fresh new things. "bread-flesh" is absolutely brilliant.
i love the ending too. you have this way to end all of your poems with things that hook the rest of the poem toether.
i'll think about it for some time, and it also gives me a deeper understanding of the poem.
great great job.
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I will comment on this adequately when I get on later, or possibly right before I go on vacation for a few days, tomorrow. Thank you very much for choosing our contest though. There is a lot here to be proud of. I shall return, soon.
;
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