Sorrow put a collar
around my small neck
and it holds tight
to the leash attached
dragging me along
in the pointless life
I follow
Blood flows down
my pale neck
and drops onto
my chest, slides
down between my breats
and slinks down my
stomach, in it's own
state of extacy
Faithfully I move,
broken into nothing
my soul bruised
beaten and lost
the flames of love,
of passion and happiness
have died, and not even
the glow of the embers
remains
All is pointless
and I am useless
Sorrow knows all
and Sorrow controls
my heart, it's grip
on the leash
cannot be removed
it is done
so leave me and Sorrow
to our life
and my death
Author notes
Just something that kinda came with an image in my mind. lol
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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another amazing write! i dont really enjoy dark poetry but yours is so amazing
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Nice job!
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hmmm
kinda just lays there and does not really move me, but it does have potential! Some suggestions:
maybe the word tiny in place of small, it is a bit more poetic. Willowy even more so but perhaps not exactly the image you wanted. There are two spelling errors:
Breasts missing the first "s"
ecstasy not extacy
I liked the first and third verses, the other two need some work but show promise and the overall thought is good, just get the flow a bit better.
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i like the image you portray with the first two lines. and the last stanza completes the image, but the rest doesnt fit/flow was well to me. thr bright red text is hard to read and hurts my eyes, maybe a darker red?
-andi -
This has promise but I would strongly recommend that you use spell check as I counted a couple words misspelled personally and then once I got down to comment, I noticed that someone else has brought that to your attention as well. You will be taken more seriously if you listen to the comments you are given as ninety nine percent of the time, they are given with better your work in mind.
All my best! -
[: amazing poem I love, keep up the amazing work!
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symphonic thoughts
great job
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Oh wow, this is an amazing poem! You spelled some things wrong, but ecstasy* is spelled wrong in your work and i believe you mean breasts I love this one. I give it two thumbs up, and that's only because I have no more than two thumbs!!
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