I awoke in the purple fields
Where the peacocks still lament
I stood up and wiped
The dew from my face
Then made my way back
Without leaving a trace
The moss was soft
The air was chill
I climbed atop the azure hill
Followed a path
To the oaken bridge
Where I watched the burning ships
But all I could remember
Was the sweetness of your lips
Fell asleep in the silent woods
A painting of black and green
The blue moonlight, a gentle breeze
The sighing of the trees
A voice called out
It knew my name
How I wish
You still felt the same
Heard the chatter of the squirrels
The simple life I wished
To have one day
I’ve kept you safely
Locked away
In a box around my heart
But I still damn myself
For losing the key
Author notes
It's about a personal, spiritual journey.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Emotive piece. I like the way you use imagery to create emotion and a sense of loss. That last stanza hits pretty hard - nice.
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Superb
Ah, 'tis a nice poignant romantic write indeed. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this one. -
this seems rather standard stuff, and i doesn't really give me the impression that the writer poured their soul blood and tears into either the poem or the experience...
i personally arnt a rhymer, and i don't particularly like rhyming, so i arnt really a good judge, but here it seems really simple stuff, hardly ever testing what could be done. for instance face & trace, ships & lips, trees & breeze, hill & chill.
on a postive note, the first two lines painted a decent poetic image. -
In a box around my heart" I don't like that line it doesn't flow. Maybe "in my heart." I don't know. Just doesn't sound right.
I could feel the climax of this poem really well, then you slowly let us down to feel what you feel. Very nice.
The imagery was outstanding, btw -
i loved it
the detail here is what caught my attention. and i personally loved the ending. sweet poem
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great write
It wasn't spectacular to be honest, but it was good.
A few grammar glitches - punctuation should be added to help the flow of the read or to accentuate certain aspects of the poem.
I’ve kept you safely
Locked away
In a box around my heart
---seems a little cliche-ish---
The ending isn't what I would have expected. It seems to me a little open ended.
My favorite part was:
But all I could remember
Was the sweetness of your lips
---also---
A painting of black and green
The blue moonlight, a gentle breeze
I like the squirrel and ship burning incorporation.
It's a great start.
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On your "user-page" you say:
"Why bother doing something if you ain't gonna do it right?".
You seem to really aspire to those words!
great poem !!!
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