Not asking for forget-me-nots
or a hundred origami cranes folded with love.
No need for futile hope,
the teary smiles that never last long
and any impossible dreams,
Not asking for the happily-ever-afters
that you always find distasteful.
Don't regret the unfulfilled wishes,
spare me your emotion
hide your humanity for my selfish need;
Show me your coldest smile,
your driest laughter--
play the empty-hearted.
Author notes
"gummy bears rule"
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i really like this. good work. good luck and thanx for your entry!
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A very good write. I really liked the imagery and the emotion put into this one. However, I don't see how this fits my prompt. But good job on it anyway and keep up the great penning!
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I'm critiquing this as I read, I hope that isn't a problem. The title is great by the way. Word-play is an amazing poetry device and I loved the way you used it with expert technique!
I would nix line 3,
Or if you want to keep it in then combine line 2 and 3.
It disrupts the flow when you tag it on the end of a sentence like that.
There should be a comma after line 5.
I would start a new stanza after line 6
It gives the poem a more clean look
And attracts attention to the new concept that you begin in line 7.
At the end of line 10 there should be a comma.
At the end of line 12 you should replace the comma with a semi-colon.
After line 13 I would separate it from line 14.
Line 14 is the stitch that sews this whole poem up at the seams; make it stand out.
Overall I liked the idea and concept of this poem.
I think it would be a lot easier on the eyes and enhance the flow if you do what I suggested,
But if not, that's fine too.
It is your writing after all
Thanks for entering my contest and giving me the privilege to read this!
Best of luck! -
Nice poem.
Thank you for entering it in my contest! -
Short,
but I really do like it.
I'm going to keep it in my contest :]
Thank you for entering and good luck.
♥
~Princess of Shadows~ -
A very different take on the prompt I must say. In itself a very nice poem, and very honest. I'm not quite sure what I think of it yet, I'll have to re-read it. Thank you for the entry, and thanks for the change in pace.
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