your question dropped like
a dinner invitation to olive garden:
'will you be my girlfriend?'
of course I accepted.
you know I'm blind without my glasses;
I removed them to grace you
with my frameless complexion.
I ran into Rome's columns
out of pure passion
and looked through the stone wall
that was you.
then dinner came.
you seemed satisfied when I poured the
fine wine and liquor,
unsteady palms sweating with every brush of your fingers;
my heart: a flask
[quite the bathtub compared to your
two liter soda bottle.]
I couldn't cap the overflow;
you shook, I rippled,
explosion.
'sorry to think I was the one for you.'
but you weren't the incompetant waitress
who poured too much in one glass.
~~~
Author notes
ehhhhhhh. crap. critical critiques please.
And Hyetal.
prompt:
“I will be the Chardonnay
that fills every emptiness
in his wine glass.”
~Tyler (Tangled Angle)
A contest entry
- Top Secret - Mission 1 by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended July 25, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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cassie, i thought this was very good.
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Sorry, I'm only getting this comment now, but thanks.
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shut up and go to hell.
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I'm afraid the subtleties here elude me but the poem sings nicely.
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Your first stanza was brilliant, and the imagery through out was top tier. You took a cliche concept and molded it into the realms of originality. This is one of your better pieces in my opinion. My favorite part was when you said 'you shook, I rippled'. That's just hot. *Grins* Good stuff.
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hmm, I don't think I was going there with that part, but I guess you could.
xD -
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I know that's no where you were going...but you know where I always do! *Laughs*
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*rolls eyes* Of course.
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You have an interesting way of expressing situations, in your work, that impresses me. Both with imagery and brevity, you still manage to capture and freeze frame, emotions overflowing. Great job, and good luck in the contest.
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Quite a thought provoking write, I really like what you have said and the avenues of thought it opens up. I think incompetant, should be incompetent, wine & liquor are redundant, and I really refer the word and to &. it reads better. You did ask for critique, and other than those little things it is great.
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Thank you for your critique! And you're probably right about the & and 'and'. I'm going to change that.
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"win" = wine
Else, absolutely amazing! I like how this can be generalised to so many situations. I love it. Glad to see you writing again
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You are my new official typo detector.
And this actually was based on a real situation. Remember Parker? yeahhh...
I'm over him.
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I liked this.
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I liked this - it's different, it's original - yep, I like it... the language of pouring!!
~ Nicolette
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i acatlly think this is really good
hmmm. i ahve no idea how to crtique it lol
i love you sissy
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