Most people are aware that Los Angeles is the second largest city
In all of the United States of America - and that is quite something
Because there are a lot of large cities in the US of A (you see);
The city itself has nearly four million residents but remember that,
If you count its many surrounding jurisdictions (of which there are many)
It is many times that size, which makes it a very large place indeed!
One of those areas is called Long Beach (which is odd as it's not really long
and it's not got a very good beach from what I recall) which is where
The good old Queen Mary is moored for the benefit of visiting tourists
(and may I add that, judging from the night-time goings on in MacArthur Park
and the daytime gaytime frolics on muscly Venice Beach, there's quite a lot
of other really big queens in the Los Angeles conurbation, yes indeed).
Hollywood is another famous zone in the area: it's Tinseltown where a layer
Of tinselly superficiality covers a even deeper layer of superficiality,
And where out-of-towners come to gawp jealously and vicariously
At the vulgar ostentation of the rich, famous and talentless.
But all is not sweetness and light in the so-called City of the Angels:
Prostitution, drugs galore, vice and crime of every type abound;
Poverty and degradation go hand in hand with organised crime
And institutionalised police racism and brutality on an epic scale.
Need I add that I have experienced some of this horror personally?
Those of you who know how my perambulations end in tragedy unbounding
Will need to keep reading to sadly share my elditch tale of terror!
I was attending a conference in downtown LA (as the city is oft called)
And I had the bright idea of dragging along a bird I knew
For a bit of extramarital nookie (on company expenses as usual).
She was really quite a hefty Russian number with nice big tits
(I have to confess that large mammaries are a weakness of mine);
Her romantic and exotic name was Juliana "Big Tits" Felchanova
And she had the sexual appetite of a demented lioness on heat
Which I found most refreshing compared to so many modern biddies.
I was a bit disappointed she refused my gentlemanly request
That she should shave herself "down there" to titillate me,
But she said her alcoholic shakes might make the razor slip,
Which would have done no one any favours I must admit.
Anyway, we were strolling along Rodeo Drive one afternoon,
Laughing at the overpriced designer garbage on display,
And my hand was well inside the rear waistband of her skirt,
Caressing the damp cleft between her huge Russian buns,
When a gang of African-American desperadoes rushed out of a store,
Guns blazing, ghetto blaster blasting, carrying a bucket of pet accessories
Naturally made out of eighteen carat gold to please dog owners
With more money than taste or common sense I have to say.
Juliana complained loudly at being jostled and, for her pains,
Received a Magnum slug right up her capacious arsehole
(very narrowly missing my probing digits I should observe)
And emerging out of her other end with a sickening plop.
Oh what a commotion, oh what a dreadful kerfuffle there was!
I watched in horror as she breathed her last on the pavement
As the robbers drove off heartlessly in their giant yellow Hummer.
It was indeed fortunate that Juliana had only a few minutes earlier
Withdrawn a lot of ready cash from a sidewalk "hole in the wall" ATM
As I did not know the untrusting Russky tart's pin number.
But with her handbag safely retrieved from the bloody concrete,
I was able to repair to a convenient bar for a gin and tonic
To steady my nerves before going back to our (I mean my) hotel
Where I checked out without delay in case the cops wanted me for a witness.
Dear Lord above, I shall never return to Southern California
As it really is quite an enervating experience all round.
Author notes
This is the 57th in my staggering "Memories" series of poems. I would like to dedicate this poem to Mark Rickerby who has given me much encouragement in my poetic endeavours and who resides in the Los Angeles area I do believe.
Please read all of the other 56 - number 32 is about another West Coast city: http://www.allpoetry.com/poem/3246004 and is a super one.
In a list
- Wise Poets Society group list • next in list
- Darkfield Lunatic Asylum group list • next in list
I await your plaudits and other constructive cmments.
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Interesting piece!
Was a delightful read to say the least. Very descriptive and creative! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you share your work here. Good luck! -
This is more like a short story then a poem, it was a bit slow and dragging in the start but as soon as you got to the memories the excitment returned.
It must have been a horror to see someone die so close to you, but I do not feel any murchy for you since you left your resposibilitys behind and didn't report it.
Except from that, the story was very entertainment and you are a skilled writer.
Best of luck in the contest.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
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I beg your pardon? What kind of response is that?
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What kind of response is that?
It's a response to your pompous and unamusing comment. Obviously you are very dim. Also, your spelling and grammar are STAGGERING. That is why I laugh at you. -
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Why did you Feature your poem when your not satisfied with any of the comments?
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I am more than satisfied by your comment as it amused me greatly with its wonderful combination of ignorance, misunderstanding, bad spelling and appalling grammar. In fact it gave me very great joy.
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May I point out that I live in Norway and do not speak english here and I in fact learned english in two months at home.
But why would you care of such, for you Sir is one of the most ignorant person I have ever met. But life ain't fun with out you guys messing around.
Keep on being so iritating, your really good at it. -
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I did not realise you were Norwegian. For self-taught English in 2 months you do very well. I am puzzled how you acquired such odd phrases as "life ain't fun with out you guys messing around" as no English manual would ever have taught you that type of illiterate American schoolboy slang. Best wishes.
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I pick stuff up from movies and I've talked to a lot of people on vent and TS (talking programs) and that is normally young people.
Besides, English ain't that hard to learn, worse with German -
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English is a very complex language. It is easy to pick up basic English. The word "ain't" does not occur in English. Only in slang.
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Hmmm
Creatively done, but I thought the first two stanzas could have been left out, just seemed like fluff. Didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about LA and I live in New Jersey. The narrator was totally unlikable, but I assume that's the point. Risky in a "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" sort of way. -
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
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Am sure this could pertain to other area as well, but you certainly have given a vivid description of a spot in this world - fits in well with your other poems - very prose like in form, but filled with such memories of a location and place in time.
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we just returned from our usual week-end frolic at Venice Beach. We live only a stone's throw away (if you've a good, strong pitch
thank you for the entry
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
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This is good, but it appears that it is just a short story in the disguise of a poem. I say this because it would be better if it was a short story.
Honestly, this was really well done, but if it was in the form of a story then it would be even better! To me it resembled something of the beat generation, or even Heminway, but not censored, however.
Good work!
. Rewarded 6
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There's no disguise. Hemingway should be censored. The way I do it is like this: I pick up a Hemingway book, rip out the all the pages and then replace it on the bookshelf.
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Another rich and vibrant description of this city, just another in the many tales of cities you have visited. Such a different perspective on each on from the norm!
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May God forgive you. I can't.
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ROFL. Now this is a wonderful piece of work. Very fanciful and a joy to read. best of luck...Scott
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Hmmm..this is fascinating...
I like you're prose like format of the poem, it makes the whole thing feel more like memories...i also liked the way you showed both the dark and the bright side of los angeles...
this poem is definately not forgettable
thank you for the entry. -
It seems a pity that to gain an erection or moisten between your legs you must resort to thoughts of dead family members.
Still it takes all sorts in this world so best of luck in all future travels.
I hear cresswell is a nice caravan park just round the corner from me perhaps you may visit to get over the demise of your dear departed
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I am unaware of Cresswell. Is it near Manchester? I have lost quite a few family members in SE Lancashire including an aunt who was buggered by a carthorse. I could dedicate a poem to you for only 200 points.
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excellent
A slug.violence,a prostitute,a customer,making good with dead whore's money...and hoping for the ATM pin....crime.....and general air that is lawless and hapless for poor...south LA is only for super rich......wow the message was clear and fine..........liked these lines.....
Her romantic and exotic name was Juliana "Big Tits" Felchanova
And she had the sexual appetite of a demented lioness on heat
Which I found most refreshing compared to so many modern biddies.
I was a bit disappointed she refused my gentlemanly request
That she should shave herself "down there" to titillate me,
confirm if this did actually happen please visit my poetry for some comments -
i spent a week there in Watts,i joined the street gangs there and lived to tell the tale,, but a horse kicked me on a ranch off ventura boulevard,,watts is safer..providing you wear a hood
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Ex-LAX
I was thinking about paying for my mother-in-law to visit Los Angeles, with a particular recommendation that she goes window shopping in Rodeo Drive. You have made my mind up and I shall buy her a one-way ticket forthwith. Although sad for Juliana, I particularly enjoyed the line "Received a Magnum slug right up her capacious arsehole" - poor slug I say! Did it live? It was highly fortunate that you were able to grab that cash-stuffed handbag (or purse as those langauge corrupting pioneers would say) before any other thieving bastards did. I am sure you've spent all the cash by now, but you could sell the bag on ebay. Mr E. Dog M'Sc.
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Yes, "purse" is very funny, I agree.
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Wonderful, as always
Another great traveller's tale with all the expected murder and mayhem. Quite a kerfuffle this time, what with the untrimmed bush, (you could always nibble it away, Barry, something to think of next time,maybe?) the giant yellow Hummer, ghetto blasters and gold pet accessories.
I'm surprised you managed to find a LA bar that sold tonic water, though. Lucky you.
Good luck in the contest.
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Your comment about the tonic water is very accurate. Trying to find anything fizzy and unsweetened is hard work there.
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I remember it well; after the first scotch and soda had lemonade added, I asked for a G & T and got looks of blank incomprehension. Even the jugs of Margueritas were sickly sweet, and a whiskey sour was like treacle.
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Sparkling unsugared water is as rare as hens' teeth.
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Im another one who loves "kerfuffle" Just a suggestion for future sexual titilation... you could always trim the bush yourself. Keep em coming Barry. we love em. (you might upset a few americans along the way though) xx
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Bravo!
God, I love these stories. They crack me up every time. Your unapologetic selfishness when your many lady-friends are breathing their last in gutters all over the world is as refreshing in this age of political correctness as it is deeply disturbing.
My favorite lines -
(very narrowly missing my probing digits I should observe)
And emerging out of her other end with a sickening plop.
To steady my nerves before going back to our (I mean my) hotel
Good job making sure she visited the ATM before going out with her, because I'm sure you knew her untimely demise was imminent, having been through this 56 times before. I applaud you for retaining your sense of humor. The grisly murder of 56 lovers would probably depress a lesser man.
Thanks for the dedication. I shall treasure this poignant tale always.
Mark
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How nice we both appreciate Barry's sad tales.
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Yes, he's quite the man of the world. I don't find his tales all that sad because he always bounces right back ( or into the nearest pub ) before his slain lady-friends are even cold. He reminds me of James Bond a bit, except without the concern for the well being of others. lol
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Barry can do no wrong as far as I am concerned. Screw the victims, that's what I say. Keep an eye out for numero uno.
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"kerfuffle" pretty much made my day I must say. The word is rarely used and that saddens me, also I've noticed you seem to have amazing luck with ladies and their money filled handbags.
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