light splits
to the atom
of diffraction
sulphur
pours
through
double glazed window
cerebral prayerman
hanging from
a beam
Author notes
i may come back with something fresh, this is an old one im regurgitating for this contest
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Intense.
But sort of restless feeling.
Best of luck.
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That last stanza is where its at.
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Excellent word choice. I can see how the words set the scene, no excess words are needed. Definitely sets a vivid scene.
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I love the way you arranged your words and the complex image formed from those same words. I loved the way that you put "a beam" out of allignment with the other words so that it is kind of off on its own giving it an individual feel you know kinda drawing attention to it so that it is noticed more then otherwise. I simply loved it and don't think there is anything that needs changing.
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By golly I think I get it, the sunlight is coming through the window, and the light coming from the light fixture hanging from the ceiling is thus overshadowed by that sunlight, leaving the light hanging from the ceiling casting a shadow from its fixture that in the sunlight looks like a prayerman.
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good job
i like it this a lot! but it seems too off into different topics..nice scheme -
-Clap clap-
I like the titles and indents and what not. This is not the type of poetry I would write
But I still enjoy reading it.
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Good
good energy, and good vision and I am looking forward to reading more...this is excellent, no error. No typos. Nothing to change. I look forward to your next write
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I love your small writes. I have one critical thing to mention and it is barely a critique. I'm not sure "a beam" needs to be placed in the poem where it is? Feels it should be moved over a little, where the word "pours" is aligned. I especially enjoyed here how you have to look really hard to connect the imagery. It is very slight. I don't care if this is regurgitated, just as long as you were able to enter is all that matters. If you do enter something fresh and this is removed from the contest, that's alright as well.
Very neat stuff.
Kenny my co-judge will be around at some point to leave feedback as well.
;
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that end rocked [for lack of better phrasing].
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