A pedestrian path, a piquant pause,
as our lives wind down to a close,
a vainglorious jest to induce applause,
and a bow to those tenacious foes
who’ve shadowed our footsteps and dogged our heels
as we’ve fought through the shambles of life.
Our brain’s incessantly spinning its wheels
as we slash with a surgical knife --
perfecting, puttering, pruning our story,
in the hope that someone might read or hear.
If pursuit of truth were our ultimate quarry,
then Fate has a reason to ponder and leer.
Yet we’ll float the flag of a proud cavalier
when confronting life’s uncharted, final frontier.
A contest entry
- Winklings 100th Contest (A Series) - Contest A JUDGED! by Lyndon.
3500 points, ended July 30, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
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personally I could care less about whether your meter is perfect and about syllable counts and all of that...the vocabulary was a bit of a struggle for me, but that doesn't count against you- if anything that reflects badly on me. There is a definite essense and emotion behind this poem whihc is exactly what I wanted. I might have to read it a few more times though. Great job and good luck!
[Liz<3] -
Congratulations. So very very pleased to see gold on this poem. 
My friend, very well done. ~Pamela 
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< Yes.
I believe that syllable count is inconsequential. If you can read the poem out loud without stumbling over the words, it's perfectly fine.
Many people are writing "smudged" pantoums, villanelles, and sonnets all the time now, and will continue to do so. Here's one of the comments on it to be found on the web:
Poet J. D. McClatchy. Jr., a master of traditional poetic forms, most notably the sonnet and sonnet sequence, ranks as a significant voice in contemporary American letters. He is also a prolific anthologist, the editor of the prestigious Yale Review, and a noted librettist.
McClatchy also has written accomplished poems in such unusual and demanding structural and metrical forms as sestinas, villanelles, canzones, haiku, trimeters, and poems in syllabics. Writing about his pantoum (a Malaysian form of quatrains in which the second and fourth lines are repeated as the first and third lines of the following quatrain) "The Method" (Stars Principal), McClatchy mentions his childhood love of poetry and puzzles. He remarks that "a preference for form is temperamental, a part of one's character before any formal steps are taken." In his case, he prefers "smudged" forms, in which the neurosis of repetition (or rigid meter) is slightly altered (as it is in "The Method").
I neglected to copy the poem, but if you read his sonnets, you'll see that he sometimes varies the meter and if you research further, you'll find that virtually all of the "great" sonnet writers did likewise at one point or another.
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Well
speaking as one who has a particularly difficult time with keeping strict on the syllable count, I am happy to know that I can smudge them here or there lol. But being a perfectionist it will take some effort to 'leave it' as is lol. -
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Oh, believe me ...
there are plenty of meter beaters here who will argue about it.
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Beautifully loose meter, and wonderful rhyming delivering the message very well, super stuff
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Shakespearean rhyme scheme
is tight as a drum. I like the variation in rising rhythm with the mix of iambus and anapaest.
We do pare as we approach that hilly bourne from which no traveller returns.
I loved this poem for all sorts of reasons.
It reads beautifully. It smacks of an intelligent author.
My only feeling that is not superlative is that the title could be a bit ponderous.
The alliteration is noticeable but it is not precious.
Thank you poet for this fine theme on life's pathway.
Lyndon of the Winklings.
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I've had a duh moment -- realizing the mood of the reader affects the interpretation of the piece of poetry one reads in that moment. Writers are fortunate in that regardless what they believe about an afterlife, we have the means of immortality in the words we leave behind. We also have the means of making it whatever we wish. This is an excellent, finely imaged piece.
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holy s'''
this is one of my favorites, although I.m sure that won't last long due to your ever expanding styles...
Amazing vocabulary,
yet subdued enough to have the reader focus on the meaning, vs. the word...
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As always ...
you're much too kind. If you don't quit flattering me, I'll have to expand my hatsize again, and you've already caused it to expand 2 sizes.
Thanks for stopping by.
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Can relate to this
On several levels. Pruning our life story, pruning the garden, pruning an actual story, the list goes on ... . And truth is certainly in short supply these days. Another rhyme-coated powerful message; well-done.
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Yessir... I've walked this path many times before. Heck, it's the path to my door! My shrubs are pruned to what I perceive as perfect waiting for curious passers by stopping off a guests. LOL Write on and good luck, brother. One.
Dez
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This reminds me of several things, none of which I can remember, but I think mainly lyrics from songs...
Something which I never comment on, but feel I should are your backgrounds - they're always wicked
the shambles of life...yes, quite, nicely put
And taking death on as the next adventure I like too.
Good luck x
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