cold fluorescent tubing
bleaches
already frail skin
and marks flimsy proof of existence
on a cold metal slab
there is no emotion here
only the story
hidden behind cold veins
& singed nerve endings
skipping like a scratched CD
spread eagle on the gurney
unforgiving instruments
peel back years of swollen gums,
worn out secrets
and half-assed lies
here is the place we drown in the truth
belly up
with a ghost of a smile
on indigo lips
ignorant to the fingers
teasing the flaws
and 'tsk, tsk little one
you've gone too far this time'
but crawling along
some sort of impulse
[just short of the synapse]
lies the problem-
she was too young
to suffer an adult's pain
.
.
.
and dreamt that she was drowning
In a list
A contest entry
- Pre-write-a-pal-ooza by Nicole Hanna.
300 points, ended July 8, 2008, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Poem You Have Ever Written by Cherokee.
300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Proudly Presenting: ROUND 1 by Walk-Free.
1000 points, ended August 31, 2008, 78 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn that silver into GOLD pt 7 by whispernthedark.
400 points, ended September 20, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Amazing... puts you in a trance that is utterly beautiful :]
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i'm not sure who lucy is but lucy makes for interesting poetic reading. I like your style it's interesting and fresh. I've always wanted to peel apart the body and figure out how stuff works...but visuals in poetry make for better and less squickness.
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lol, lucy is a figment of my imagination. i started writing for her one day and the name just seemed to fit.
thank you for your comments.
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I like your figment!!! I will have to come back and read more of her soon! :-)
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powerful visuals, a really brilliant write. I'm glad I found your writings here. Are you sure you're only 17? Serious writing chops...
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Lol! Thank you so much! For both the comment and the fav! And yes, I'm 17, lol. I read. A lot.
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powerful imagery and emotions
you've set up quite a scene here
very well done -
Very nice write, congratulations on your prior wins. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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omgosh!
this is a powerful write... your words touched me so deeply, it was a very moving poem! i love how you've written this poem... the structure and all, the metaphors used were mindblowing! it was heart-breaking to read this, keep penning! thank you so much for this beautiful entry!
~beauty of silence
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ooo
I love the intensity here and how real the emotions are.
The imagery is awesome and it was heart- breaking to read at some parts.
"unforgiving instruments
peel back years of swollen gums,"
such sadness and the fact that this is happening to a child is devastating.
I hope things do get better since this is a personal piece. 
Good luck on the contest!!
loveees,
transit~
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woops!! the applause!!!
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this is extremely powerful. i love your descriptions- they are very detailed. this is an intense piece, holding so much depth and poignant sadness at the same time. wonderful piece of work here- and you are definitely talented. one of the best few pieces so far.
-checkmate -
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Oh wow... thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed my piece. This is actually probably one of my favorites out of all the poems I've written, so I'm glad that others like it as much as I do.
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excellent
I am seeing not only your ingenius attention to form here but also, as I noticed in the last two pieces I read from you, an attention to physical detail that I can't help but be drawn to. It's something I have left out. The little things we notice when we enter a room, survey a storefront, browse the menu. The little things. They have often evaded my writing. Therefore, I'll call you, for those intents and purposes, the Fitzgerald of poetry. Nicely, nicely portrayed, as always. Your choices, as far as wording, are infinitely interesting to me. Again, I see that element that I am watching your mind work, that I am not seeing a cold, practiced, mechanical sort of dissertation but a living, breathing, bleeding piece of prose that I just want to get up and dance with! I absolutely must commend you for such dexterity, wisdom, and honesty with the pen. (Or keyboard.) And then there was this line: "here is the place we drown in the truth." Okay, I'm there, I'm in the room; there she is, on the gurney. Lucy. Poor girl. And there is that line which I cited for you up there. And it meant so much. I am so glad you put it on its own there, drew some more attention to it that it might have gotten had it been placed in the center of some intensely descriptive stanza. It means so much. Of course, we've all seen the forensics shows, the homicide investigations, the tv autopsies. We've seen the girl on the gurney. But that line, that very line, brought a whole new meaning to the scene. "here is the place we drown in the truth." Because here, she is naked. Exposed. Defenseless. Here we see eveerything. The scars that she hid, the health problems she didn't have treated, the moles and cellulite and unwanted hair. Everything. Even the things she wanted to tell us but never could. Would she be embarrassed if she was alive? Would she be relieved? "we drown in truth." We do. It's that moment when everything comes out, and we know what we could never have imagined before. And, I must say, your wording is excellent. "skippint like a scratched CD," you said. Well, I see that a lot in your poetry. (And love it.) You have told us a story here, truer than we'll find it anywhere else, and in few words. You have a gift.
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excellent!
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very affecting... yes, the autopsy is the final story, isn't it. That is what the forensic scientist uncovers. I like the details in this like that she was too young to suffer an adult's pain.
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Wow... Just wow...
This was great. I've really got nothing to say.
Amazing.
Just wow....
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