I look around and i am surrounded by unfamiliar things.
A few stand- shining independantly
as if they glow from the memories of my past life.
Everything thing i see,
i must now call home.
But this is not where the heart is.
The happy moments that once were,
now lingure in the air
like the smell of a
candle once lit.
As i count them backwards,
another
tear
falls
upon
my
cheek.
So i turned around,
turned my back,
closed the door.
Stood there breifly to remember the moments...
I smile.
As i once enbarked on a journey
that took me to where i was standing.
So shall i explore what lies behind
the newly open door.
Author notes
Something to remember my old place.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Cool
I like it but to be honest the only reson i read it was the name i love that song, some of it seems to idk make me reread it like maybe a diff choice of words would have helped. But it was a very good piece.
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i think there are definate glimpses of how good a poet you could be, the form and flow at times here is really good, but you slip into areas which really taint the good work in the rest of the poem, like
The happy moments that once were,
now lingure in the air
like the smell of a
candle once lit.
is really good especially with the structure, but then a cracking cliche comes with the when a door closes a door opens stanza..
so basically what i am saying is, you've got some great imagery and aesthetics of language, but this is sometimes tainted by a cliche or a lazy line just to move it along, and with the form, it is good, but make sure its consistent all the way
keep going, this could be good.
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Awesome!
I read this, then read it again, and now must tell you how great this is. You dont have a rhyme scheme, which in this case is perfectly fine. You told your story so well, and I loved the beginning.
"I look around and i am surrounded by unfamiliar things.
A few stand- shining independantly
as if they glow from the memories of my past life."
That is pure poetry if I've ever seen it. again, great job, I hope to read more of your poems in the future!
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i like it. i think it's good and very interesting. I like the concept of it being about a journey..one day closing, and you waiting for the next to open. Very good.
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Absolutely Amazing!!!
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Wow!
I am impressed! Not to say that I doubted you, of course. I like that your title is a lyric: I like neat titles. I also really like how you set the whole thing up. It's unusual and creative. The poem itself made me feel a number of emotions. At one point, I was even scared! Maybe I'm a little overdramatic, but it really has so many meanings to me. And it ended with a smile, so you can say I loved it! It was an amazing journey :]
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'The happy moments that once were,
now lingure in the air
like the smell of a
candle once lit.'
that line makes me like, oooooohhh. it created very nice images, very like, romantic yet sad. this poem has a lingering feeling to it, sad yet like... i do not know.. but it is amazing. great job!
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good!
I like the randomness of it. It could be expressing so many things! A divorce, a death, an unwanted move. A mistake that you made that has changed you emotionally inside forever! I like it alot. Very deep!
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