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Girl of my dream

You are
And always have been I suppose
But dreams fade so quickly

Where do you hide
While I am awake?
Do you emit the same lush aura
Are you simply to be seen
Casually walking through the park?

And if I come across you
Could my love possibly be the same?
Young, brilliant, and overwhelming

But most of all, would you know me?
For what a tragedy to find
You exist
But our ever-perfect bond is gone

Author notes

This is the first free-verse poem I've ever written and to be honest, I'm completely shooting in the dark here. It is sincere, though, written about a lover I dreamed about last night and whom I do not recognize from waking life. I really don't like this poem at all but you have to start somewhere so please tell me what I've done wrong(or at least what could use improvement)

Please comment on anything, I'd love to hear it! Good or bad.

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Comments


  • xXDarkChildXx
    July 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was very nice. Great for a first free-verse. My first... was a lot darker. Hm, a dream? Who knows, this person may be real. haha I loved the poem though. Keep up the great writing.


  • stylization
    July 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This reminds me of some of my first freeverses. It's good! I like the word choice and the way it flows, however, I don't like the questions. The way they are posed contribute to the feeling that you're talking to the reader, but they sort of "clog up" the poem. This is something that I used to do, and I'm working on not writing in questions. Perhaps you could say something like:
    While I'm awake,
    you hide,
    and I wonder
    if you emit that same lush aura
    as you do in my dreams;
    I wonder
    if you are simply to be seen
    causally walking through the park.

    I took my own point on that and it ended up written in my voice, but I think that if you took out the questions, or most of the questions, and re-worded them it would be a very strong poem. Keep writing freeverse, you'll get better!


    • detrohutt
      January 25
      Edit | Reply

      Better late than never? :)

      Thanks for the comment! I haven't logged on here in like 6 months But I noticed you got one of my other poems "2 To 5" featured in a Poem of the Day group, so thank you very much for that too. I actually like the way you reworded this poem a LOT. Unfortunately this is still close to the only free verse poem I've written to date. However, my writing in general is getting better. I just posted two new poems which I think you might like and I'd absolutely love to have some feedback Thanks again!

  • atty-poet
    July 1, 2008

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    Glad to see you're branching out with free verse, because that's where almost all contemporary poetry has been for decades now. The trick is crafting poetic lines and using line breaks effectively, not at the natural stop like a period or question mark. These lines and breaks are a good beginning. But overall, this write is too telling, where poetic verse lies in the "showing" with images, similes, metaphors, and working internal rhymes or sounds. Consider dropping the adverbs, and work an image for "same lush aura"; intriguing possibilities with that line. Good luck and write on.