A Bi-Polar Schizophrenic's Story Part 1

They’re sleeping now. All but one. Disdain is up, and wandering around the corners of my mind, making sure I know how worthless I truly am. She says I’m pathetic, I’m useless and ugly. I need plastic surgery she says, I’m way too fat and no one will love me. I hate it when she rules. She’s the most common voice although when I hear Regret she sounds much like Disdain. Maybe they are the same voice. She likes to tell me what is right. Nothing is right with me. The worst is when Temptation teams up with her. She tells me that the razor blade is what I want and it’s some paradise I long for. It’s not at all; it just proves me to be as worthless as Disdain wants me to be. She says I’m evil. That I deserve everything I get. Like my rape. She said that my rape was a consequence for being so pathetic and worthless.
Fury is up now too, that means Disdain will go away. Only one dominant voice can be up at once, so Disdain’s evil silvery voice is no longer ringing in my mind. I know that they are right, all of them, I am worthless, and pathetic; maybe I do deserve all that. Fury is shaking his head. He doesn’t agree. I like Fury. He doesn’t put me down or any such disaster. He believes in Justice, they both believe that those who spurn me or hurt me must be killed. They believe that I should kill all my worthless fake friends and that any one who makes me cry should die and never are able to leave purgatory. Sometimes I agree with Justice and Fury, they believe that I should not be wronged for I don’t deserve it. That’s why I like them. It’s hard when they are set on a notion though, they scream at me for hours when I ignore their pleas for salvation. Fury is very angry with me right now. He tells me that I should kill my ex-best friend, for what she did to me. I told him no I didn’t want to. He threatened me with Temptation. So I would hurt myself. I’m not strong enough to resist Temptation yet. She is much too powerful. Fury’s gone away, silence at last.
For no more than an hour or so though for now Regret and Sorrow are awake. They wrack up every bad thing that I ever did or anything I have been hurt by and make me remember every detail. They are only alive by the tears they make me cry, without them they would die. I can’t control it all though, I can’t help but cry over my sham of a life they make it unbearable sometimes. I always worry about drowning in all the tears I cry.
Fear is up and ready. Paranoia is lingering too. They make my life hell, with their irrational thoughts, silly phobias and well…their paranoia. They make me believe everyone hates me, that’s what they think. They know that people talk about me and look at me all the time. They say that people say I’m a whore, and that I am just too stupid and immature. I think they might say those things too. Paranoia makes my life hell. He just loves to break me down and leave me without Confidence, and Innocence. The only two voices that ever offered comfort. They are near dead now; I barely hear Confidence or Innocence, ever since the rape and the prolonged torture. They slowly began to fade away into nothing. I’m not even sure if they are alive anymore. I’m sure Love still hides too, but she hasn’t been around much, except to help me pine for my lost loves in life.
The thousand voices sing to me, why aren’t you dead yet? That’s what they chant at me. Why do you still live here? Why can’t you just die? It hurts, and Pain makes it all worse, he can’t stop himself, I know it’s not his fault, but no matter what I say he just continues to drive in the knife.
Memory brings back lots of things, happy and sad memories. She talks to me about everything; she’s the only one I can really talk to. She’s like some sort of angel she tells me, she tries very hard not to let the bad memories creep in, she doesn’t want to hurt me, not like some of the others. She’s like my saviour, but she’s not strong enough to beat Disdain and Fury down, for they are my dominant voices. The ones that get control of me, the only ones I can’t escape from. I can shut the others off if I try really hard. Darkness and Light are the other dominants. Darkness tends to be more powerful than Light, he can take her over in a fight. She tries so hard to keep Darkness at bay, she like Memory doesn’t want to hurt me. Darkness brings on my depression, makes me feel my life has no direction. He works in cahoots with Disdain sometimes, in making me believe my life should be over and he aids Temptation too, in trying to hand me the razor, making me want it. It scares me all this craziness. I feel like I’ll never be free. They dominate more often than not, apart from in my dreams, then I just dream or have nightmares. This madness is making me insane, maybe too much so…