Bed of leaves, dreaming life:
maze made by roots for souls to dwell,
stone names blossom blithe--
days follow curvatures of shell.
Womb of Sylvan, weaving breath:
Fecundity guides incessant birth,
hollowed, feral secrets kept--
cyclic metamorphosis halts dearth.
Well of abundance, mending core:
Teeming landscape mirrors a gilded urn
where infinite riches spill forth;
until all of the borrowed bones return.
Verdant force, a vastness of empires:
Ruins, now lush, reflect time's desires.
Author notes
Option 6. It is a wholesome and necessary thing for us to turn again to the earth and in the contemplation of her beauties to know of wonder and humility.
-- Rachel Carson
I've read some of Rachel Carson's _Silent Spring_. While this poem is not directly inspired by her eloquent and insightful plea against unregulated use of pesticides, it was her love of the outdoors (especially of the tide-pools) that resounds through this poem.
Magic the Gathering totally rules. I used many ideas from the names of cards and their flavor texts to craft this. I wanted to base this poem on the earth (as a forest, a storehouse of wealth, the processor of life) as a whole. The earth is cradle, creator, destroyer, grave.
By the way, my last line is horrendous! I just can't coax the muse to help me improve it! Help!
A contest entry
- The Elements: Round 2 by Ink4Blood.
900 points, ended August 12, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Famous Quotes from Famous Ladies by Keith.
700 points, ended August 23, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Critique Please! Be RUTHLESS! I LIKE IT ROUGH!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is good. I'm a big fan of Rachel Carson too, hence the quote. You might revise the work a bit if you like, but you don't want to rob it of its spontaneity. And I like the notes, which may help readers who havnae heard of Silent Spring. A very prophetic book, methinks. It's quite hard to find a copy these days, but I think I'll search one out and settle down for a wee read. Thanks.
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Suggestions?
Where do you think improvement is needed? I have a syllabic scheme--sort of:
6
8
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9
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10 (or 9, if one pronounces "desires" and "empires" as two-syllables)
Is the imagery concrete enough? Am I telling more than I'm showing? -
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Och, ye're an awfy lassie. I shouldn't really offer advice, for this is a contest is it no'? The other entrants could be a wee bittie miffed if I "improved" your poem to match my own preferences, and then awarded it top prize!
I love your enthusiasm, and your quest for knowledge - great. And I'm impressed by your syllabic analysis of your own work - there are so many folk who wouldn't bother to do such a thing.
But I'm not going to give specific suggestions, and change the whole flavour of your work to suit ma Scottish sensibilities - at least not until after the contest closes.
And with work of this quality, it's likely to be a hard one to judge!
Best Wishes in your studies, and in all you do. -
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It's cool...
If you have the time and patience to offer advice, I'd gladly wait until after the contest. While the prizes are appealing, I know I'd benefit more from your insight on how to improve this poem.
God bless the Scots! Do you have any single sons or nephews who are also poetry enthusiasts?
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Not bad ...
and no, the last line isn't horrendous.
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I'm in love with this poem. In love with it so much that I "Must Kill All My Darlings". Any suggestions for revision/ improvement? I sincerely value your input.
Thank you for taking the time out to read it though. -
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Seems fine to me, over all ...
but I do see that I overlooked a typo:
cyclic metamorphosis halt dearth. (halts)
otherwise, I'd say you've done well with it.
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i agree
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Hahaha, you agree that my last line is horrendous? If so, got any suggestions?
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