Because A Poem Couldn't Do It

I always claim that i'm fucked up. Do you ever really listen? Can you see it in my eyes? How broken i am beyond what everyone sees? How much i just want to die. Outside is so gorgeous right now...it hurts my eyes to look at something so perfect. It makes me want to cry. The only relief (and it's temporary at that) i get is when i'm reading or listening to music. Sometimes it's when i'm cruising with Clay, driving, or "meeting up" with guys. That's a gamble though...and it's never enough. I never get full satisfaction out of anything...I think my senses are getting dull.

I know you don't want to believe it, but i truly think i don't have much longer on this earth. I can feel it. I'm ready for it. I'll be patient, but peace won't come soon enough. That's why I could never picture myself with a husband and kids. I could never decide what i want to be when i'm older. I think i knew i was destined for a short life. It doesn't bother me too much. I just wish i could have raised a kid or two.

It's not like I'm giving up on life. For once, i can't see the problem clearly and so I can't fix it. It's something wrong inside me...something i couldn't stop even if i wanted to. I would call it depression, but it seems like more than that. If i was a balloon, it feels like i have a leak but i dont know where it is....like a leak in an oil pan prolonged over many months. A progessive fatal disease.

I want to crawl in my speakers and sleep forever. I want to get in my car and drive off the edge of the earth. I want to find a high cliff and fly. You get the idea. I keep running and shutting myself down. I can't stand myself. I got stuck with damaged goods...it's no fair! and i'm tired of replacing parts that don't last.

Again, i'm tired of hearing myself talk. I'm going to try to get some sleep since all i could manage to do last night was hallucinate. If mom only knew where her dramamine was going...