an unsure (prayer)

selfish
yes i know
i am

i want
i need
i desire
i hope

and yes
...i pray
(maybe not pray, i don't know)
to whom
i don't honestly know
i want to, though
i want to put a name to
i want to have the clarity
the knowledge
the understanding
or the peace that passeth...

but

i don't think
it matters
who i pray to

i just want you to have peace
i want you to have
a still mind
a still spirit
a still body
free from the agony of loss
distant from the pain of acceptance
              will you?
being who you are
being what you are
being where you are
bring this peace
for my loved one?
will you shower your blessing
in what manner you choose
over their grief?


i pray

no, not yet...

i beg
i plead
i wish

for faith enough to make
these fragile simple meaningless words of mine
into a sacred, powerful, reaching, sanctified

prayer

don't hold my faithlessness against
the one who needs
your care
your grace
your strength
so i offer up a prayer
(as it were)
to you
for them
and i wrap it in the hopefulness
(of faith perhaps)
that the life i breathe into my request
finds its way to one on high
who can stop the suffering
of one of your followers
who would never pray for themselves
but has been a prayer
personified
for me

(amen)