Ephemeral lives are yours and mine of ancient patterns
Spun in threads of metamorphic echoes; of every dread
Whispered with frantic hope until night’s blanket fashions
A crypt from moon and stars. We dance until life is fed
To bones of chalk; until laughter staggers, until it falls
Away from thinning light. I hold nothing of these words
Scribbled by ghosts - I know you now - prowling halls
For time. For how our time is plundered; wasted as herds
Of cattle pay their bills. In these stalls of fear I sing and low
Just to write one more phrase of uselessness. Worlds are
Not made of scattered huts, these palaces, this tepid to and fro.
My life leaks across white deserts soon full of stains, scar
And bruises of richest blue for I have lived and words erupt.
They spew in wild cathartic gulps. How timid we all play
This game. I will run you through with my pen, you corrupt
Arrogant pig for it builds a world where the meek can say
Their prayers and be answered at least by hope. Fresh graves
Join my father where they are lost forever but still these pages
Have them dancing. Words hold them alive; only love saves
Us from falling into cracks and crevices of all lost ages.
A contest entry
- Winklings Celebrates its 100th Contest (A Series) - Contest I by Lyndon.
6000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Poems Ever by Scion.
900 points, ended October 27, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Added to finalist list.
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Score for Contest:
Rules-9 Structure-8.7
Title-8.8 Uniqueness-8.9
Theme-8.5 Grammar-8.5
Total-52.4 -
hmm. wow. I am speechless. That doesn't happen a lot, but now it has. Uhh. Start off, I think your rhyme is flawless and effortless, except for the first stanza, (patterns doesn't rhyme with fashions, though the similar imagery and conceit is great). Caught that one with both sets of teeth... The imagery is abundant, well rather, it's a bit overkill, but flushes your poem with a dazzle of this and that from many different angles. I feel your poem lacked a certain cohesiveness of that imagery, but you manage to get your point across anyhow, so kudos for that. Punctuation is good, but lacking in someplaces. A bit of editing and polishing will add that final touch of greatness. In conclusion, I would say your strong point is definitely the many conceits you plug into your phrases and wordplay. I liked that about this. Also, the line:
"I will run you through with my pen" It is a wonderful picture of a poet's triumph. Thanks for that. I can really see why you chose this as your favorite... well done. Cheers. -
Complex rhythmic pattern
of 12 to 14 syllables per line and six to eight metrical feet, varied.
The quatrains are written in the language of our times and I like that, poet. Alternate rhyme is easily achieved.
As to flow-on or enjambment, it works half the time with poetic purpose and I think stumbles in other spots, perhaps. I have read it aloud!
This poem is a dense, compact work of considerable forethought. Appropriate imagery isc a hallmark: after a reference to cattle you follow with the metaphor, "stalls of fear ".
You imply much and different English cultures will respond in different ways by inferences made:
"And bruises of richest blue for I have lived and words erupt", is such a line.
Best of luck with this poem!
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oh my! Loved this!
"Scribbled by ghosts - I know you now - prowling halls
For time.">>>.mm favorite line
I love the natural flow; rhythm, and cohesion of this. And agree wholeheartedly with Christie below!!
Yet another great read. I feel my intelligence rising by leaps and bounds
~Meg
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WOW. Actual, great writing on AP that isn't pretentious and doesn't resort to the pitfalls of shitty diction, shoddy rhyme & metre, or illiterate ranting. I think I've gone into shock.
"We dance until life is fed
To bones of chalk" is my favourite.
-Cristina
PS: I've seen you around the site before now, and I have to say that I love your scathing honesty.
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Convincing
Ignoring all the truths stated by pastiche, I shall only add that this is enough to get me writing again. No small feat, as you know. The incredible subtlety of ~ In these pens of fear I sing and low just to write one more phrase of uselessness ~ (most especially the images which accompany low) reminds me of the ultimate power and satisfaction in a single word choice; the delight at finding resonance so dense with perfection one sits back, smiles and memorizes.
Yep. You've done it! -
I printed this out yesterday – and have read it again and again... There is so much to absorb here – and it changes with every reading, throwing up another window to look through.
I’m sure I could write an essay on it now, but I will try not to.
There is a stunning use of language – so rare, these days – combined with a raw power that is somehow contained. Vivid images dance through the poem – but somehow the violence is restrained by the necessary pattern and scheme.
When read aloud, not one beat is out and no enjambment irritates.
Lines such as: “Spun in threads of metamorphic echoes” (particularly subtle and imaginative);
“We dance until life is fed
To bones of chalk”;
and, of course the final “only love saves
Us from falling into cracks and crevices of all lost ages."
all shout, but
“for I have lived and words erupt” – is a perfect description of a true poet.
You are.
I have to stop here - I am so jealous of this poem that I am drooling!
This is a mesmerizing write.
Thankyou.
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Pervirtuous, a poet who has been very helpful to me, pointed me at this poem. I am glad he did. I find your word choice very interesting, you use your line and stanza breaks differently to most that I have read here and you appear to have something well worth saying. I enjoyed reading this a lot.
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Very deep and engulfing writing. I have only read your poetry in diving back through past Winklings winners, I found it impressive and enjoyable then, and still do her. Great stuff
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wow~! this is great~!!!!!!!!!
amazing form! ...I'm just learning form poetry....and this really give me something to look up to!
You've created exquisite images with this....leave me breathless~
had to read it twice
~will most definitely be reading more of your work!
~all my best!
Sailor Ptolema 
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I have been sending links to this poem to everyone I know. This is a masterpiece and I thank you for allowing us to view it. Your ability to create an entire world, complete with your personal nuances, is an amazing gift. The only flaw I see with this is that it is so full of things that it is almost impossible to appreciate them all in a casual reading. I love when you use rhyme and am lobbying hard to see more of it. I don't really want to be you when I grow up, but I thought about it for a second. That's more than anybody else gets. Have some bunnies.
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Sometimes its more than I give myself but I really appreciate the thought- thank you
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Your verse holds me totally captivated; your vocabulary makes a short poem read like volumes, volumes that are all filled with imagery. I have never read your work before but if this is a sample than I bow to your genius. You have given me direction to aspire to.
Love,
Amera
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It took a couple of readings to absorb the message but when it did sink it made me think how small a fish I am in this pond of poets. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Well I never doubted for a minute that you would attack this challenge for all it was worth, it is a wonderful paragraph and you have written and modernised the thoughts in it very nicely yet it holds the form and the olde world charm of Bill's...perhaps in another lifetime you may have been a drinking buddy
Love, Cheryl
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