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a work in progress

i used to miss
cheesecake
and real bacon
and those milkshakes you used to make
                                                          with bourbon

now

i just wish i could see you again
looking at me in that
                              unsatisfied way













































Author notes

prompt: translucent

and, to avoid confusion: "a work in progress" is really the title.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • firefly53633
    August 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    fresh and poignant stylings! Deserves a reward! You have made this piece a very enjoyable read. It was a thoughtful and expressive work, Great!


  • girl shaman
    August 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i can see why you won silver; congrats on that
    im not very sure how to comment this, you've really captured something i really havent read before. i mean i have read many many wonderful poets on here but im really glad i found another favorite
    thank you for sharing!


  • Saffron gold member
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is certainly a unique take on the contest prompt, and one I did not expect--and I really like the unexpected when it comes to poetry. As I have commented before, I have made no secret that I admire brevity in poetry, and poetry that utilizes that succinct style and giving us a grand image. This, to me, does that in such a right way. I totally adore the last line of this--it wraps up the piece and leaves it open to interpretation at the same time, if that makes any sense.

    I am just happy as a clam that you entered this in my contest--this is really good.

    Saffron